Angry Ward Wednesday: The Rex Hex, March Meh-ness and No Kissin’ Kirk Cousins…Yet


BRONX, NY – Tons going on this week, all over the damn place. Seriously, very tough to keep up with it all. I’m up to the task… sort of. Going to hit on as much as possible, but I’m Hangry Ward right now and will need to cut this short to eat a whole mess of food. Let’s go.

Rex Education. If we learned nothing else with Tuesday’s unceremonious firing of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, it’s that it’s probably not best to name your kid Rex. There’s just not a great track record for that name. Rex Chapman? The 8th overall pick in the 1988 NBA draft never lived up to the promise of his college career. After his playing career ended he fell into trouble with the law and then drugs and is now working for the State of Kentucky helping kids with opioid addiction. Rex Ryan? The man likes food and feet, and maybe not in that order. He was fun while he lasted but, like his less talented brother Rob, will probably never coach in the NFL again. Rex Burkhead? The Patriots running back was responsible for almost tearing Tom Brady’s thumb off before the AFC Championship Game. He’s lucky Belichick didn’t have him murdered. And let’s not forget our own long-lost columnist, Rex O’Rourke, who shot across the MTM sky like a brilliant comet, only to burn out under Management’s constant horsesh!t demands, and has been living in semi-seclusion in “Parts Unknown” ever since.

The NCAA Men’s Basketball Whatever. Are you stoked for March Madness®? Been immersing yourself in Bracketology? Can’t wait until Thursday? Don’t bother. I hate to break it to you, but you’re not winning your pool and the tournament is gonna suck. Your time will be better used watching old reruns of Perfect Strangers or, better yet, participating in one of the myriad protest marches going on in this country. Take your pick. Besides, college sports are exploitive, and don’t get my friend JG Clancy started on NCAA hypocrisy. And, speaking of my fellow Vikings fan…

KC and the Snowstorm Band. So, the “prize” of the free agent market, Kirk Cousins, has decided to take a generous $84 million GUARANTEED from my Minnesota Vikings. He joins a long and hallowed (and somewhat hollow) list of veteran QBs that have tried to bring the Vikes that elusive first Super Bowl win. That group includes names like Jim McMahon, Warren Moon, Randall Cunningham, Jeff George, and, more recently Brett Favre, Donovan McNabb (I forgot about him!) and Sam Bradford. Will Cousins be worth all that dough? Is anyone? I mean, if they win a Super Bowl with him, then it’s looked at as a rousing success. But, help me out here, when’s the last time a team won the Super Bowl because they splashed a bunch of money around in free agency? I can’t really think of one. Anyway, I’m on board, for better or worse… and with the Vikings it’s almost always the latter.

Kirk_Cousins, Tom_Brady, Meet_The_Matts

One Giant Step. I’m sorry, I couldn’t leave this post without mentioning that the Giants have finally solved their running back problem by signing former Panther’s back Jonathan Stewart. He’s just about to turn 31, which surprises me, because he seems like he’s been around forever. It looks the the Football Giants and their new GM are taking a page out of the Baseball Mets’ and Sandy Alderson’s playbook when it comes to free agency, and trying to find treasure in the trash bin. Good luck to all involved.

That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is Captain of “Team Meet the Matts” in the upcoming Battle of the Mattwork Stars versus those slugs from Rugby Wrap Up.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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