Angry Ward Independence Day: Sports Fireworks and Duds

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NEW YORK, NY – Today is the Fourth of July and, who are we kidding, no one is going to be visiting this site. Like Joey Chestnut winning the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest and Jeurys Familia sh!tting the bed in the 9th inning, it’s a given. Still, there’s a job to do, and I’m just the guy to mail this bad boy in. I’m coming at ya with an ill-conceived sports fireworks theme. Like Jason Pierre-Paul’s fingers, be prepared to be blown away. Let’s light the fuse on this b!tch!

Firecracker. If there’s one cracker in sports that needs to get fired it’s probably Buck Showalter. He seems to be a nice enough guy but, to paraphrase Leo Durocher, “Nice guys finish last.

Piazza_Clemens, Meet_The_Matts, 4th of July Fireworks

Now them wuz some real Independence Day fireworks!

 

M-80. This will be the Super Bowl # when the Vikings finally win it.

Sparklers. The Mets offense this year has been about as exciting and explosive as a wet pack of sparklers.

Cherry Bomb. Notorious for being spooked by loud noises, legendary NY Yankees broadcaster Phil Rizzuto was known to occasionally shriek, “Some Huckleberry in the upper deck just lit off a cherry bomb!

Roman Candle. As our resident Italian-American Antonio Cromartie (only three kids that he knows of), Cheesy Bruin’s roman candle does not shoot blanks. If given the opportunity, even at his somewhat advanced age, he would definitely give AC a run for his money.

Blockbuster. I liked the Marlins a whole lot better when they were owned by the guy who owned Blockbuster Video. Crazy as it may sound, I kinda miss Blockbuster Video too.

Ash Can. This is where we need to throw this Mets season right f**kig now. Records are being broken, and not good ones. Apparently they just concluded their worst June in franchise history. Think about that for a second, and then remember that the 1962 Mets went 40-120.

Silver Jet. Is old Joe Namath still out trying to drunkenly pick up female sideline reporters with strange hairdos?

Bottle Rocket. Someone should have thrown a bottle off of Roger Clemens’s head a long time ago. And by “someone” I mean Mike Piazza. If you leave a job like that up to Shawn Estes, he throws the bottle low and behind Clemens.

Mike Piazza vs Roger Clemens, Meet_The_Matts

Fun Snaps. Watching Trae Young’s first two shot attempts in his first summer league game with the Hawks make you think that players around the league are gonna be busting out some fun snaps for his wiggity wack shooting stroke.

Sky Rocket. For pretty much my entire life, I’ve associated sky rockets with what one gets with a little “Afternoon Delight.” Sports ticket prices have sky rocketed to a point that no one wants to come anymore. Get it? Afternoon Delight? Come? Ah, forget it.

Buddy Diaz: I regret having but only one column a week for Meet The Matts.

Enjoy your Fourth of July, everyone. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, the Nathan Hale of Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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