Angry Ward Wednesday: Carmelo Signs, A’s Fans are Missing, Exhibition Football Sucks

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BRONX, NY – After what’s already been a fairly brutal summer (heatwaves, forest fires, and the inextinguishable dumpster fire at the White House), we move into the truly dreadful days of mid- to late-August. As a kid you remember this as the time when the “Back to School” ads and sales started popping up, and your sense of dread did right along with them. Nothing much has changed. I won’t belabor the obvious. Let’s get to what my wife would call, “some sportsing.”

carmelo-anthony-houston-rockets-James_Harden, Meet_The_Matts

Houston Melos Out. It’s official, the Carmelo Anthony/Mike D’Antoni “Big Apple Burnouts” reunion tour is on! We haven’t seen this much ambivalence about a re-coupling of New York losers since Short and Tall Matt started this site. It feels like Anthony and D’Antoni should have a fun music duo nickname like Simon & Carfunkle or Sonny and I-Won’t-Share. Anyway, Houston must think Carmelo Anthony will get them over the hump, while just about everyone else thinks he’s the kind of player to push a team off a cliff. Whatever the case, they’re your problem now, Texas.

ghost-raider-raiders-Oakland A's, Meet_The_Matts“A” Stands for Apathy. The Oakland A’s are one of the hottest teams in baseball, outside of Boston, and they can’t get any fans to go to their games. They are currently hosting the Mariners, who they are locked in a wild card battle with, and they’re barely drawing 10,000 fans, half of which are probably cleverly-disguised seagulls. While I kinda agree with those who argue that A’s management has done almost nothing to attract fans to their garbage treatment facility by the bay, but you’d still figure that this much winning would bring fans back anyway. Over the years, Oakland teams have had pretty rabid fan bases. We all know about the numbskulls who go see the Raiders without fail, and the Warriors were packing them in even when the team absolutely stunk. So hopefully there’s still some love for baseball in Northern California, if for no other reason than the A’s have always had cool unis and equally cool players like Vida Blue. You can still hate the owners and like the team… I think.

Pre Season Football Will Never Be Good. It bears repeating, as many times as possible, NFL owners should be arrested for charging money for this sh!tshow. If I want to see a bunch of promising players have their seasons cut short by freak injuries and then have to sit through a bunch of scrubs masquerading as actual players, I’ll watch the Mets, thank you very much. There is very little redeeming about the NFL to begin with, but exhibition football is really the bottom of the barrel. At least I finally dumped my Giants plan and didn’t have to worry about selling my Giants/Browns tickets last week for .00001 on the dollar. I mean, you couldn’t give those things away. I also love how everyone likes to use the pre season as some kind of predictor for regular-season success. Jets fans, I assure you that Sam Darnold will play this season and he will suck plenty. Same goes for Baker Mayfield. Just calm the f**k down already.

All righty, I’m done here. Enjoy what’s left of your summer. Light off some bottle rockets, eat a hunk of watermelon, slake your thirst with a cold beer and make your kids get off the damn screens and go play outside.

Buddy Diaz is back tomorrow with his Top 10 Piragua Vendors in NYC and maybe a few words about the Eagles.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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