Angry Ward: How to Fix the New York Mets, Vol. 30, Chapter 17

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Mr_Met, New York Mets, Meet_The_MattsNEW YORK, NY – How about that MLB Trade Deadline? Had about as much action as “My Dinner with Andre.” (Older reference lost on younger viewers.) I know a handful of marginally big names went new places, but the rest of it resembled a Sandy Alderson shopping spree. It also looks like the Yankees added the final ingredient by landing one of baseball’s toughest-named hombres, Lance Lynn. I mean, if you know your last name is Lynn at least name your son Fred or Jeff.

Anyway, as always, the Mets did almost nothing to improve themselves for the foreseeable future. Maybe everyone wanted something on the cheap or maybe the Mets GM orgy couldn’t get out of their own way, but failing to trade one of their starters (not deGrom!) was a huge mistake. Yeah, the Mets are gonna be awful for years to come because the Wilpons own them and the Wilpons suck worse than almost anyone not named Trump. Because I have nothing better to do, here’s some moves the Mets can make while we all wait for Freddy and Jeffy to sell or get the eff off this mortal coil.

Hire a competent GM. How hard can this be? The Mets seem to have a knack for finding front office morons. Is Pat Gillick still drawing oxygen and recognizing visitors? I don’t care how old he is, pay the man! Hell, while we are talking geezers, lure Jerry West away from the NBA. So what if he’s a basketball guy, he’s smart. And, somehow, working for the Mets might just be preferable to working for the Clippers.

New York Mets make history in 25-4 loss to Washington Nationals

Release Jose Reyes immediately. He’s terrible. That’s all the reason you need. You remember the end of the 2011 season when he bunted for a hit and got pulled from the game so he could win the batting title? Do something like that! Next game, after he strikes out, pull him from the game and tell him you want to preserve his .174 average for 2018. Trust me, it will be hilarious.

Fire the entire medical and training staff and sue them for malpractice. What’s taking so long for this one? It’s one thing to be “snakebit” but, after several years and every kind of injury and malady under the sun, it’s time to wake up and smell the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College diplomas. If you win the malpractice suits (LIKELY) you might even get enough money to sign a halfway decent player for once. And, speaking of that…

Turn over your scouting staff and hire some real scouts. If you’re not going to pay your players anything, you might as well pay some scouts who know what they’re doing and can rebuild this team’s horrible minor league system. Scouts don’t cost much and good ones can actually land you young affordable players who can help you win. This isn’t (Houston) astrophysics we’re talking about.

farrah_fawcett, Meet_The_Matts, new york metsMove your Triple-A team out of Las Vegas. Wait! Oh my God, they are actually doing this! Starting next year the Mets AAA affiliate will be in Syracuse instead of Sin City. Talk about culture shock. Going from Vegas to a place where Jim Boeheim is the most charismatic guy in town? It’s a brutal transition, but what were they ever thinking having their affiliate in a city where almost all the 5-tool players are call girls.

As I’m writing this, the Mets are losing 19-0 to the Nationals in the 5th friggin’ inning! Why am I even bothering? Nothing can fix this team. I’m outta here.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who once got traded for a pack of Lucky Strikes and a Farrah Fawcett poster.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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