Angry Ward Wednesday: Getting Personal About Mets, Jets, Eagles and Horse Racing

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PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL – Lately, writing for this site has felt a lot like screaming down a long empty hallway. I think I could accomplish the same thing by firing off personal messages to those that MIGHT still be listening, That’s actually not a bad idea. Here goes.

TO: Junoir Blaber

Guy, now is the perfect time to abandon sports for a few years and focus on raising your daughter. You root for the Mets, Jets, Knicks, and I think the Rangers? On top of this, you love rugby. Your entire sports landscape is a scorched, post-apocalyptic nightmare. The Mets will suck until the Wilpons are forced out by bankruptcy, death, or, hopefully, something worse. The Jets are going nowhere. Their owner is a Trump crony and Sam Darnold is not the next Joe Namath, except that he may throw more INTs than TDs and has the potential to one day be a horny, drunk old man. The Rangers are in rebuild and the Knicks are a minimum of 5 years away from being a threat to anyone but themselves, and I’m being kind here. Focus on your kid. Make sure she treats others with kindness and thanks people who hold the door open… and do your very best to keep her from becoming a Buffalo Bills fan.

sam_darnold, buddy_pine, Meet_The_Matts, incredibles-villain

TO: Ben Whitney

I’ll be honest, this joint sometimes feels like nothing more than a running text thread between the two of us, and I’m okay with that. We’ve kinda exhausted our Yankee commentary for the moment, so I just wanted to wish you good luck with the Giants this year. I dunno about that team. They seemed to be pining for me to keep my season tickets. Just like women can sniff out a truly desperate guy, sports fans can sense the flop sweat associated with franchise fear. Hope I’m wrong, but that O-line and defense still seem shaky to me.

TO: West Coast Craig and Fluffy the Narwhal

You guys are sorely missed around these parts. If I had my way we’d give you your own MTM Bobbleheads and every day would be Old Timer’s Day, with you guys at the top of the lineup getting as many at-bats as you like. Craig, I hope you haven’t run afoul of The Usher or gotten mixed up in some Three’s Company-like misunderstanding with The Manny and Mr. Joe. Fluffy, I regret not making the Coogan’s tribute to your Uncle, so we need to put an autumn bourbon night on the calendar while the Dublin House is still standing. Of course the DH isn’t big on selection, so it may have to be a BYOB kinda night.

TO: Buddy Diaz

You still have yet to accept my Philadelphia Eagles Fan Challenge. To refresh your memory, you and a friend attend an Eagles game this season dressed in Dallas Cowboys jerseys. Rules are you have to walk the entire parking lot at least once before the game and aren’t allowed to tell anyone that you are actually Eagles fans. If you have a lovely, incident-free gameday experience, MTM Management will buy you post-game cheese steaks and furnish you with two more tickets to another Eagles regular season game. Sounds easy enough, right? And with Philly finally having won a Super Bowl, I’m guessing all their fans will be happy and on their best behavior. Do we have a deal?

AW and Cookie at Belmont, circa??? (Photo by Cheesy Bruin)

TO: Cheesy Bruin

Looking forward to getting out to Belmont with you soon, compadre. Who woulda thunk that horse racing would end up being one of the least offensive sports around, after years of being run down as “for degenerates only?” I know you’ll agree when I say that I regularly see better behaved people at the track than I do at just about any other sporting event. Football, which against my better judgement I still love, may the worst of them all. Horrible owners, drunk fans, crippling injuries, Trump-baiting, and all the phony patriotism that enables it. If we were any kind of men, we would have abandoned it by now. Food for thought.

OK, I’m done. Come back tomorrow for everyone’s Buddy (Diaz).

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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