Miserable Ward Monday: Where’s DJ?

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BRONX, NY – Where’s our (semi) regular Monday contributor DJ Eberle today? It’s 5 friggin’ pm and no post. What, is he on vacation again? F**k vacation! You got a deadline to meet, Mr. Sports Journalist. I’ll say it again, these Millennials got no work ethic. Actually, that’s not fair, they have a work ethic, but it’s mostly what works for THEM. Anyway, here are some hot takes for you on DJ’s potential whereabouts.

Hawt Take #1: He’s trapped under Josh Allen. The Bills are gonna suck this year AND they may get several of their quarterbacks killed. I caught some of their lowlights from this weekend and, as I type this, I think Josh Allen just got sacked again.

Hawt Take #2: He’s following the Yankees like a Deadhead. Yankees fans are starting to believe that their team just might catch the Sawx, and DJ is no exception. I think they definitely will, as long as they can play the Orioles 30 more times before the end of the year.

Hawt Take #3: DJ is playing mixed doubles at the US Open. And by that, we mean he’s mixing double cheeseburgers with double scoop servings of Ben & Jerry’s. Just kidding, big fella. This is all my lame attempt to shame you into getting back to “work” here.

OK, I’m done. Come back tomorrow for Ben Whitney, I hope.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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