Angry Ward: Eli Manning, Vontae Davis, and Other NFL Checkdowns

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BRONX, NY – We’re now two full weeks into the NFL season and already there’s plenty to talk about. And, shockingly, none of it has to do with kneeling during the National Anthem. Bummer. Nevertheless, let’s get rid of this column quick, like a New York Giants offensive possession, so we can punt it away to the next pundit up. Speaking of the Giants, let’s start there.

This Giants offensive line sucks, and on that we can all agree, yes? But Eli Manning has this innate ability to turn his back and scramble directly into the precise location where the defensive pressure is coming from. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It’s quite amazing to watch. It’s like his brain is operating with a GPS from the wrong hemisphere or something, and it leads him right into traffic rather than a less-cluttered route. He’s basically Bizarro Fran Tarkenton.

• Everyone is taking Vontae Davis to task for quitting football during halftime of last Sunday’s latest Buffalo Bills catastrophe. But, not me. For the last time, football is NOT anything like war. Davis wasn’t leaving his fellow “soldiers” in the “heat of battle” or anything like that. Please. A much, much better analogy was that he was quitting his sh!tty job as a short order cook in the middle of his shift at a crappy Buffalo diner. And there is NOTHING more American than throwing your apron on top of a greasy grill, setting it ablaze, and saying “f**ck this shit!” I salute Davis for crossing that one off his bucket list.

Sh!tkickers is not only a great name for a redneck bar, it would also make a terrific title for a book on the Minnesota Vikings‘ special teams for the past 30 years.

• All of a sudden, the Washington Redskins are drawing fewer people to their games than Donald Trump did to his inauguration. This is really great. The team stinks, the QB is adequate but boring as hell, and the owner is one of the worst of a universally disgusting bunch. Yep, Daniel Snyder is right down there in the sub-basement layer of sh!theel NFL owners spooning with America’s Satan, Jerry Jones, in the primoridial ooze of the billionaire boys club port-o-john. Seeing Washington fail miserably at something outside of politics is fun for the whole family.

Andy Reid really has the KC Chiefs primed to break every single-season offensive record in NFL history… and then lose a 1st round playoff game.

You know what? I think we are good for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is off mushrooms for good after reading Stormy Daniels’ description of Trump’s dong.

Be sure to follow us on everything. I’m serious. We are “thought leaders” here at Meet The Matts. Don’t drink anyone else’s Kool Aid until you’ve tried ours first.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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