Angry Ward Wednesday: Tiger, Knicks, Gritty… I Want to Bet on Everything


BRONX, NY – I’ve said this on more than one occasion, but I will never be as much of a diehard sports fan as I was when I was a teenager. With age comes perspective and change, at least if you’re open to those concepts. So you start realizing that there are a lot of things going on in this world, and in your life in particular, that are a hell of a lot more important than the outcome of some game. That’s not saying their aren’t both plusses and minuses to this metamorphosis. On the plus side, your team crapping the bed or your “fantasy players” not producing are no longer capable to ruining your day or entire weekend. On the negative side of the ledger, when your team finally does come through and wins a championship, you are happy, but nowhere near as ecstatic as you would have been had they won it when that team seemed like your entire life.

So, what’s a guy to do to try to recapture some of that old excitement when it comes to pro and college sports? The answer is now, and has always been, gambling. And the good news is, that it’s about to get easier, with the Supreme Court clearing the way for states to open sports books. But, you know what? It’s still not good enough. I want to be able to go down to my local newsstand and waste my money betting on games the same way so many schlubs do playing the daily numbers and other assorted garbage lottery games with horribly slanted odds. In fact, I need to make some of these bets right now.

Tiger Woods Not Winning Another Major. Tiger Woods finally won a tournament and people are treating it like some kinda Rocky Balboa triumph of spirit. What a crock of crap. He had it all, screwed up, screwed up some more, struggled to get healthy during what would have been prime years, and now won a single tournament. His problems were self-inflicted, he’s always been kinda a smarmy jerk, and he’s a Trump crony. I’m not wasting too much time thinking about him, but I’ll lay some money on him not winning another major. I’d be fine with that, actually.

Say “Cheat!”

Yanks Beat A’s in Wild Card Game. I do not want to see this happen but, you see the sun rise enough times, you kinda get used to it. Death, Taxes, Papa John’s Pizza Sucking, and the Yankees owning the Twins and A’s in the playoffs. You can set your watch to it. Might as well make some money off the misery.

NY Knicks Win the Eastern Conference. Just seeing if you’re still reading. Don’t worry, this ain’t happening. But I was curious, so I checked. Knicks are currently 50-1 to win the Eastern Conference. That seems low, except when you realize how much the Eastern Conference sucks. I can think of worse things to throw $20 on.

Philadelphia Flyers Mascot Does Not Make it Through a Full Season. Have you seen this thing? I seriously thought this was a piece in The Onion, but the Flyers apparently legitimately have a new mascot named “Gritty.” And I am prepared to bet my life savings, such as they are, on Flyers fans running him right out of town, and that’s only if they don’t murder him first. I doubt Vegas will even take action on this. Still, as far as orange abominations go, I’ll take “Gritty” over that scraggly-weaved White House mess, “Sh!tty,” any day.

Look at this f**king thing!

Short Matt Will Win an Emmy. This is definitely going to happen. I don’t know what the circumstances will be exactly, but this seems a certainty to me.

I’m also certain that, unlike other flake contributors who shall remain nameless, Buddy Diaz will be back here tomorrow. You can bank on it.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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