Sweaty Ward Saturday: Soccer Practice, Pool, and Weekend Sports

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BRONX, NY – I just finished helping out  at my daughter’s soccer practice and let me just say that 1) I am tired and 2) I still very much suck at soccer. But, as a parent, you do what you have to do. Anyway, to “reward” myself for my selflessness, I am writing a Saturday column for Meet the Matts. As Napoleon Dynamite would say, “LUCKYYYY.”

Everyone in the Pool… One Last Time. One bit of good news is that the pool I joined this summer extended their season through this weekend, so I’m gonna throw on my 1920s-style bathing costume, slather on some tanning butter, and disgust people with my “Dad Bod” one last time. It’s the little things in life that matter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

David Wright Farewell. People are paying upwards of $200 a ticket for Mets Captain David Wright’s final game, and that’s just nuts. If I want to pay $200 to see someone who has trouble bending at the waist I’ll wait for Louie Anderson’s one-man show on Broadway. Anyway, the cynic in me (is there anything else in there?) says this is more about the Wilpons making money than it is about them wanting say a “classy goodbye.” If they really want it to be a special occasion, they shouldn’t bother showing up.

Canelo vs. GGG. There’s a big fight on pay-per-view tonight that I won’t be watching. One guy doesn’t even have a name, just a series of letters that sounds like someone gargling. And the other guy has a name that sounds like former Giants placekicker Joe Danelo. I’m gonna watch a movie instead. Any suggestions?

Fantasy Football Tips. I’ve been playing Fantasy Football for over 30 years and my main tip for you is this: Don’t bother. But, if you must play, stay away from all things Buffalo Bills and run away from Cam Newtown like he’s a Dennis Rodman STD.

Okay, I’m gonna go grab something to eat and then hit the ol’ pool. See ya Wednesday. Come back tomorrow for the Cheeseman’s NFL Mortal Locks of the Week.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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