Angry Ward Wednesday: Hallmark Sports-Themed Christmas Movies

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BRONX, NY – Like it or not, the holidays are upon us like George “The Animal” Steele on a turnbuckle. The minute Thanksgiving ended, it was on like Donkey Kong. Hell… before Thanksgiving ended. We’ve already roared through Black Friday and Cyber Monday and my building’s Super  got the Christmas tree up on Monday like I’ve never seen him hustle before.

One of the things that cracks me up about this time of year is how prolific the Hallmark Channel is at cranking out an endless stream of Christmas movies. They have so many that half of them sound made up, like “Fir Crazy” and “A Shoe Addict’s Christmas.” They should seriously consider doing an entire sub-genre of sports-related Christmas titles. We’re here to help.

Blowstorm. The 1986 Mets reunite for a Christmas they’ll never remember.

Sports-Themed Christmas Movies from Angry Ward Calhoun

I’ll Be Mahomes for ChristmasCan Chiefs quarterback Pat Mahomes save Kansas City from coach Andy Reid’s grinchy playoff play calling?

The Year Without a No-Trade ClauseFree agent baseball jerk Manny Machado is forced to eat a yule log-sized portion of sh!t after a lackluster postseason and his infamous “Johny Hustle” comment.

Miracle on 33rd Street. Christmas magic is in the air, as the New York Rangers start winning and the Knicks learn the true meaning of tanking.

Deck the Bills with Leonard FournetteTwo football teams going nowhere, get in the holiday spirit when Jacksonville Jaguar Leonard Fournette shows Buffalo’s Shaq Lawson that, when it comes to haymakers, it is better to give than receive.

Buy HardAt baseball’s winter meetings, the New York Yankees realize it ain’t as easy to buy a World Series as it used to be.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Antonio Cromartie(*synopsis not yet cleared by standards and practices*)

O Holey Night. Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson bilk a bunch of golf-loving suckers out of their hard-earned holiday dollars by cashing in on a putrid pay-per-view payday.

Nome for the Holidays. Carmelo Anthony tries to talk his way off of Alaska’s Island of Misfit Ballers in time to ruin Christmas for one last NBA team.

The Naughty ListIt’s Christmas in hell, as Major League Baseball donates $5,000 to racist Mississippi Senate candidate Cindy Hyde-Smith as a favor to POS Kentucky Senate majority jagoff Mitch McConnell. Based on a true story, that’s not getting near enough coverage. Read more here.

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OK, that’s all for this week. Come back tomorrow for DJ Eberle, star of many Lifetime movies, including “Men Don’t Tell, But They Sometimes Smell.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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