Angry Ward: The Day After Christmas


BRONX, NY – I swore I wouldn’t post anything today. But I just can’t abide a miss. Besides, this way I can continue to take DJ Eberle to task for missing HIS assignments.


‘Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the city,

Not a creature was stirring, not even Flyers mascot Gritty.

The fridge packed with leftovers, the stockings lay bare,

Recycling cans as full as Oscar Gamble’s hair.

Junoir Blaber hungover, too knocked out to read,

DJ Eberle still hungry, so expensive to feed.

Short Matt had gone missing, he’s been known to roam,

And poor Bryce Harper still had no home.

The Warriors were vanquished, LeBron he got hurt,

And no one knows what became of one Buddy McGirt.

Out on Seventh Avenue, there wasn’t a fellow,

Who gave a rat’s a$$ about some guy named Carmelo.

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But an old baseball card of Milwaukee Brewer, Rob Deer.

I kicked around all morning, not wanting to write,

Then threw up this garbage, to see who would bite.

Not Buddy, not Cheesy, not Tall Matt, not Ben,

Would bother to comment, they’re all busy men.

So I’ll end this post here, before it gets any worse,

My writing this day belongs in a hearse.

But I’ll leave you with this, as my brain gets unstuck,

The Wilpons are morons and the Yankees still suck.


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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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