Angry Ward Wednesday: Hot Flub Time Machine – What Sports Wrongs Would You Right?

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BRONX, NY – As we move into the highly-depressing post-Holiday months, I turn my attention away from Christmas flicks and towards anything featuring cold and snow but sans holiday themes. My love of Hot Dog; The Movie has been well-documented here, but I’m saving that for my birthday month of February, when I really need it. Instead, I’m currently watching Hot Tub Time Machine again. If you were alive in the ’80s and ever went skiing with friends, this one is sure to hold some appeal. Among other stupid plot points, Cusack, Cordry, Et al. go back in time and somehow change the outcome of John Elway’sThe Drive” in Denver’s win over Cleveland in the 1986 AFC Championship Game. Seeing as how the Bears recently had a soul-crushing loss to Philly last Sunday, it made me wonder which sporting event outcomes, I would like to go back and alter. Hint: it’s not the Bears game. Here goes.

If only…

Every Vikings F**k-up Ever. There are really too many to list. A sh!t-ton by their own doing and some by guys like Drew Pearson. But, if I gotta choose one, it would be having Gary Anderson NOT missing his only FG of the year in the 1998 NFC Championship Game. I was there. It was brutal, Like the end of the film Fargo brutal. That team was 15-1, and loaded. Moss, Carter, Reed, Robert Smith, rejuvenated Randall Cunningham, and a solid D. Win that game and then beat Denver in the SB. Seems easy enough. In fact, I’m not even bothering with trying to fix a kicker’s screw up, because he can always screw it up again. Instead, I’m going back as an assistant to get in Denny Green’s ear and tell him all the ways his team can screw this game up, so he can avoid at least a few of them and win anyway.

Ken Norton Doesn’t Get Shafted in 1976. There were so many great heavyweights boxing in the 1970s it was ridiculous. But Ken Norton was my guy, and he got ROBBED in his epic fight against Muhammad Ali at Yankee Stadium. Sure it was a typical Don King flim-flam, but Norton always deserved so much better. That’s one he earned. I’m going back as an honest boxing judge… a rarity indeed.

Save Off-Track Betting in NYC. How the hell does the horse racing bookie for New York City go bankrupt? OTB was a Big Apple treasure. I’m going to channel my inner Oscar Madison (or is it, Madisoy?) and take over this beloved-yet-filthy degenerate gambling institution.

Clemson Doesn’t Beat Alabama 44-16. It would have been much better if Clemson had beat Alabama 110-16 on Monday Night. A few Belichick spy tactics could have easily made this happen. I usually don’t condone cheating, but this is for a good cause.

Tom Seaver and Nolan Ryan are Mets Teammates for Life. I don’t think there’s any way to go back and save the Mets from being stupid. It’s almost like an ongoing franchise curse. So many terrible moves and awful decisions. The only possible way to reverse this would be to sacrifice M. Donald Grant atop the World’s Fair Unisphere with Short Matt acting as High Priest.

There’s plenty more to fix, like letting the USFL succeed so President Trump (maybe) never happens, but there’s just no time to do it all. It’s all up to the kids now, like DJ Eberle, who should be back here tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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