Tired-of-this-Sh!t Ward: NFL Playoffs – Divisional Thoughts

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NEW YORK, NY – DJ Eberle went to an ill-conceived all-you-can-eat Hungarian Goulash “event” last night, and things happened. Don’t have all in the info. Don’t want all the info. Here’s a look at this weekend’s NFL Divisional Playoffs, most of which I will be DVRing or straight up missing because my kid’s Children’s Theater performances of “Cinderella” are happening in the middle of all of it. God has a tremendous sense of humor.

Tired-of-this-Sh!t Ward: NFL Playoffs - Divisional Thoughts, Meet_The_Matts

Colts at Chiefs (Sat. 4:35) – It’s unfrozen caveman Andrew Luck vs. time clock management savant Andy Reid. Let’s get one piece of business out of the way first. Everyone talks about the KC home field advantage and what great fans they have, but in the playoffs, that doesn’t mean sh!t. Make no mistake, KC fans are going to this game Saturday wondering how their team is gonna f**k it up, even with a once-in-a-generation talent like Patrick Mahomes at QB. The minute they fumble or throw an INT or miss a FG, that crowd is a non-factor. If the Colts have been paying any attention, they know the secret to beating KC is milking the clock and letting Mahomes get cold and antsy on the bench. Not sure what over/under is, but I’d bet the under. They do not want a shootout, even with Luck flinging it. (I should be able to at least see the first half of this one. Wheee!)

Cowboys at Rams (Sat. 8:10) – Love this return to old school 1970s-early 80s foes. Bud_Adams, Middle finger, Cheesy Bruin, FREE NFL Picks, Meet_The_MattsIs Frank Corral still kicking for the Rams? Pat Hayden needs to get the ball to Billy Waddy. Nolan Cromwell should hit Tony Hill in the mouth. No one asked, but I like the Rams in this one. Not so much because I hate the Cowboys (I do!) but because I want LA to continue to show just what a horrible coach Jeff Fisher was. Only he could make Todd Gurley look that bad and make Jared Goff look like a Ryan Leaf-like draft bust. Side note: I can’t f**king stand Ezekiel Elliott’sfeed me” routine after every carry. Someone needs to sit on his big stupid head. I’m looking at you Ndamukong Suh. (DVRing and will be watching until like 1 in the morning.)

Chargers at Patriots (Sun. 1:10) – I won’t get to see one second of this game, and I’m kinda ok with that. For years I’ve truly had no huge problem with the Patriots, other than Kraft, Belichick and Brady eating Trump’s fat a$$. But, yeah, enough is enough with this team already. This seems like it will be a close game with both teams hamstrung in different fashions. The Chargers, a warm-weather team, will be playing in fairly cold and crappy conditions, while the Patriots count on way too many slow white guys in their offense. It’s a toss up. The safest bets are Brady throws at least one td to one of his God-awful boring receivers and Philip Rivers impregnates his wife again sometime within the next month. Stay tuned.

Eagles at Saints (Sun. 4:40) – Geaux Saints! Sorry, Buddy Diaz, but I am tired of God-boy Nick Foles and his continuing saga. This ain’t “The Greatest Story Ever Told,” it’s the NFL playoffs. Still, I can’t shake the idea of ancient Darren Sproles breaking one against his former team. Hope I’m wrong. Look, I don’t especially like the Saints either, Sean Payton can piss up a rope, as far as I’m concerned, but the deciding factor here is Philly fans. They are the worst (again, sorry Buddy) and I hope they have fun facedown on Bourbon Street after a thorough throttling. (Hope to see most of this one. Gonna definitely miss the 1st quarter.)

That’s it. I’m outta here. It’s been real… stupid.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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