Big Ben: Things You Should Have Done Instead of Watching Horrible Super Bowl

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SNOOZEVILLE, USA – Was that Downton Abbey or the Super Bowl? Holy hell was that boring. The only thing worse than the game was the halftime show. Here’s are a few things I would have rather been doing than watching that game.

1. Listen to a season’s worth of questions to Bill Bellichick about the health status of his players. Paul Manafort was more forthright when first asked about his Russian contacts.

2. Watch a montage of Giselle and Robert Kraft celebrating Patriots’ victories. At least she’s easy on the eyes.

3. Listen to Knicks’ fans try to convince me that trading KP was a good move. He’s a 23-year old with skills so unique they called him a unicorn. But the Knicks are better off without him. Ok, sure.

4. Listen to my wife and mother debate whether Adam Levine has too many tattoos.

Mom: Far too many, it looks gross.
Wife: I kinda like them.
Me: [Furrows brows, looks at tattoo-less arms]

Fire! The wife agrees.

Now, your instinct might be to make fun of me for watching the game with my mother and wife. I understand. But they ended up chatting the whole game, leaving me to watch unfettered. It was perfect, apart from the game.

5. Scour Twitter for memes about the hypocrisy of Levine taking off his shirt and showing both nipples, while Janet Jackson couldn’t show one.

Now I consider myself a socially liberal person for sure, but let’s dial it back a notch. The Janet/JT thing was a silly PR stunt that forever put the term “wardrobe malfunction” into our lexicon. This dude just took off his shirt. Much to my wife’s enjoyment, apparently.

6. Have Marky Mark Wahlberg explain the theory of relativity  to me while exaggerating his Boston accent. This would be annoying as hell but not as bad watching Jared Goff looking like a teenager whose Mom just caught him wanking.

7. Listen to Boomer Esiason’s post game analysis. This one might actually be worse. Boomer is horrible.  He comes off like a kid who got picked on a lot and everything he says sounds defensive.

The only thing good about the game was Tony Romo. It again pains me to say this, but the guy is a master commentator. He sets the pre-snap scene like no other.

The Battle of the Punters!

He was way ahead of the Rams coaching staff, and their supposed genius coach, in realizing they needed to decline both late game penalties to gain a down with a stopped clock. It didn’t work out, but it was the right thing to do. The guy is on it.

Romo will surely be getting coaching offers in the offseason. If you think about how absurdly bad he was in the playoffs during his playing career, picture the opposite, and that’s how good he is as an announcer.

I’m done talking. Come back tomorrow for a guy whose columns are never rarely usually not boring. Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About the Author ()

Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.

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