Angry Ward Thursday: Break Up the Mariners and Don’t Watch March Madness

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NEW YORK, NY – This is getting ridiculous. Like everyone else, I’m tired of the pinch-hitting. You’ve read my repetitive garbage, not only should I not be playing both ends of a doubleheader, I should probably be posting only once a month at this point. But I would rather pinch-hit than see a zero in the scorecard. Here goes (literally) nothing.

The Mighty Mighty Mariners. Don’t look now, but the Seattle Mariners are the hottest team in baseball. (heh) They just took the first two games of the season from JG Clancy’s lousy Athletics, and sent Ichiro off into retirement. Speaking of Ichiro, and in honor of DJ Eberle, here’s my Hot Take: Ichiro was a better pure hitter than Pete Rose, and definitely a better all around player. Charlie Hustle? Please. Rose only reached 20 stolen bases in a season once. Ichiro would have beat Rose’s MLB hit total had his US career not started at age 27. Nuff said.

Ichiro vs Pete Rose, Angry_Ward, Meet_The_Matts

Just Say “No” to March Madness. If you’re young and single and like to gamble and have nothing better to do, by all means join bracket pools and watch tons of March Madness basketball. If you’re older and maybe married and maybe have kids and/or other responsibilities, don’t even bother with this BS. This is my advice to you, do with it what you will. There will be upsets here and there, and they will be fun, but by the time they start playing through the Sweet 16, the chalk will stick around and you don’t need to watch the Dukes and Carolinas and Kentuckys go for the title. It sucks. Read a book, do your taxes, sleep. You can thank me later.

*Ed. note: I had posted a whole paragraph about DJ missing another turn in the order, but just heard that the kid is having a rough go of it. So I pulled it down and do apologize. Hope things get considerably better. Hawt Taek: They will!

Enjoy your Thursday everyone.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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