Angry Ward Wednesday: We Need to Talk About Your Baseball Team

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BRONX, NY – I was gonna write about the horrors associated with filling in as coach for my daughter’s soccer team Memorial Day weekend, but nobody wants to read 500+ words of me whining about the various monsters you meet when engaged in such an activity. Instead, I’m gonna stick with the pros, and talk a little baseball in the middle of the NHL and NBA Finals. What follows here are a bunch of quick thoughts on every team in Major League Baseball. I’m clearly a glutton for punishment. Let’s go.

Angels. Matt Harvey (remember him?) is 2-4 with a 7.50 era, and when he’s not injured (he’s injured), he pitches for the Angels.

Astros. The team with the same name as George Jetson’s dog (ruh-roh), is one of only a handful of decent teams in the bigs this year. They’re up by 6 in the West and are doing it without their best player, Jose Altuve.

Athletics. As of this writing, JG Clancy’s lousy A’s are on a 10-game winning streak (who knew?), which means they are right on track to make a second half push to make the playoffs and then lie down and lose in pathetic fashion to the Yankees. More on them later.

Blue Jays. As far as Toronto’s sports mascots go, Ace the Blue Jay is way less annoying than Drake the Raptor.

Braves. I rarely have anything nice to say about the Braves, but I’ve always liked Nick Markakis, and was pissed when the Mets didn’t try to get him.

Brewers. The Brewers are good, but they will never be as good as Milwaukee legends, Lenny and Squiggy.

Cardinals. St. Louis is officially a hockey town now, and it thrills me to say that, because Cards fans think they are the greatest baseball fans in the world.

Cubs. The cops still think the Blues Brothers live at Wrigley Field.

Diamondbacks. Everything else in Arizona takes a back seat to their giant hole in the ground, the D-Backs are no exception, and that’s about perfect for this state.

Dodgers. I once heckled the sh!t out of Ken Griffey Jr. and the rest of his Cincy teammates at a Dodgers game and the LA Times mentioned it the next day.

Giants. I still can’t believe that former Giants pitcher Greg Minton was never a “person of interest” in the Zodiac Killer investigation.

Indians. The best thing that ever happened in Cleveland, by far, was when those midges tried to suck human grease trap, Joba Chamberlain, dry.

Mariners. Though they’ve finally descended into their rightful cellar apartment in the AL West, the Mariners are still dousing one another with champagne because of the Cano deal.

Marlins. Derek Jeter. Bwahahahahahaha!

Mets. I went to my first Mets game of the year last weekend and spent $30 on 2 beers and another bunch of cash on some ice cream that looked like Mickey Lolich took a dump into a batting helmet. I’m an idiot.

Nationals. Draw bigger crowds than Trump’s sh!tty inauguration.

Orioles. Gleyber Torres has 10 home runs against this team. THIS YEAR! This flaming pile of Chesapeake bilge rats needs to be contracted right now.

Padres. Desperately need their old uniforms back.

Phillies. Bryce Harper is hitting .227 and is leading the league in strikeouts. Good thing Phillies fans have so much patience.

Pirates. I’m of the opinion that Pirates fans should sing Sea Shanties about their former players during games. “Yee Hee Hee, Dock Ellis Pitched a No-No on LSD,” “Davey Parker’s Cannon,” and “Candelaria’s Curvy Will Give You Scurvy,” should be enough to get them started.

Rangers. Lenny Randle was a true baseball treasure. He should have his own wacky highlight exhibit in the Hall of Fame. He even let these guys interview him!

Rays. The Rays are pretty good, but nobody gives a damn, especially in Florida.

Red Sox. Boston sports gets enough ink. Not today, fellas.

Reds. What’s the over/under on how many Cincinnati baseball fans have ever referred to their junk as “The Big Red Machine.”

Rockies. Charlie Blackmon looks like an extra from Deliverance.

Royals. In 2015 the Royals beat the Mets to win the World Series. Man did things ever go south fast for those two teams.

Tigers. Watched the Tigers play the Mets on Saturday. Virtually every hitter outside of Miguel Cabrera and Nick Castellanos was hitting under .200. Mets scoreboard actually had the sense of humor to put up a hitting “hot zone” chart for some dude hitting .168.

Twins. Minnesota has the best record in baseball??? Man are things ever lining up nicely for the Yankees.

White Sox. I like when newspapers refer to the White Sox as the Pale Hose.

Yankees. The Yankees were one of the last teams to integrate, doing so 8 full seasons after Jackie Robinson broke baseball’s color barrier. If you’re gonna claim all the Championships, you gotta claim the rest of it too.

I’m finally done here. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is probably cooking up a scenario where the Knicks get Kawhi Leonard.

 

 

 

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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