Angry Water Wednesday: Knicks Tank Job Goes in the Tank


SEATTLE, NY – For those of you who don’t live here, it’s been raining like a muthaf**ker in New York. If you don’t know how to swim, or own an ark, this is not the place to be right now. The past two Sundays have been epic washouts. It rained like a b!tch again Monday. And tonight, even though the rain forecast is lighter than what we’ve been experiencing, they’ve already called off the Yanks/Orioles game, most likely due to the chance of scattered suicides. Anyway, this means I’m gonna go against my usual approach for this week’s post. I’m not gonna write something up and put it to bed early so I can put myself to bed early. Instead, I’m going to watch the NBA Lottery Selection show at 8:30.

For the record, this is the first Lottery Selection I’ve watched since the first one back in May 1985, when the Knicks, represented by Dave DeBusschere, won it and got Patrick Ewing. It was good theater and tonight’s should be as well, which is why I am back after a brief 34 year hiatus. Honestly, I am mostly tuning in because the Knicks constantly offer up the type of unintentional comedy of which I am so fond. They spent this entire season tanking in the worst way possible in order to reach this point, so I am 1) curious to see whether they indeed land the #1 pick or 2) get absolutely screwed and end up at #5 or 3) end up getting the second or third pick, which would probably prove to be the scenario where we get the most laughs moving forward.

Leading up to tonight, myriad sports outlets are treating this thing like the NFL draft with saturation coverage not unlike what I am looking at outside my window right now. The Knicks have a 14% chance of winning the lottery. But they also have a 13.4% chance to finish second. And they have a whopping 47.9% chance to finish 5th, which is the lowest they are allowed to finish, due to how extremely sucky they were. But the only percentage that ever matters with the Knicks is this: they have a 99.99% chance of cocking this thing up one way or another. This is why I am tuning in tonight. I want to say that I watched this disaster movie from the beginning. It’s 6:30 now. I’ve got a couple of hours to kill before I come back and finish this thing.

And, we’re back! The Knicks got the third pick in the draft. This, as I promised, is probably the position that has the most margin of colossal f**k up for the Knicks. If they got buried in the 5 slot, you can’t really fault them for not getting an absolute stud. Getting the #1 would have taken the guesswork out of it and even #2 would have demanded they pick Ja Morant, even if they think Dennis Smith Jr. is a perfectly good point guard. But the #3? What do they do with that? What makes this an even bigger kick in the balls is that New Orleans got the #1, and one of the options the Knicks had to be considering was trading for Anthony Davis. Even Zion Williamson looked bummed and bewildered at the thought of what his potential future in New Orleans might look like. You know he had to be pulling for NY and LA.

OK, I’m not going to drag this out. The bottom line is, the Knicks tank job just tanked, and there’s a certain poetic justice to that. It’s going to be a really interesting offseason. Kevin Durant is a supposed lock to go to the Knicks, but you never know with that guy. You don’t know where Davis will end up. You don’t know where Kyrie Irving will end up, but you just know it’s gonna be the Knicks, don’t you? Like I said, it’s gonna be interesting.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who’s sure to talk you off the ledge by telling you that RJ Barrett is gonna be a superstar and how the Knicks can still deal him to New Orleans for Davis in a package that would include their first round picks for like the next 5 years.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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