Angry Ward Wednesday: An Open Letter to Tom Brady

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NEW YORK, NY – Before I get into this, I need to clear up one thing. As far as New England Patriots bashing goes, I’ve pretty much been a non-participant all these years. Though I am no Pats fan, I can at least appreciate a team that has been this good for this long, owned by a guy who likes old school rub ‘n’ tug joints. But I just found out that Tom Brady is attempting to trademark the nickname “Tom Terrific” and, as Popeye would say, “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more.”


Dear Tom Brady:

It has come to our attention that you are attempting to trademark the nickname “Tom Terrific,” and we’d like to discuss this with you, if you don’t mind.

You may not know this, but “Tom Terrific” is already a very famous nickname, owned by someone who was a superstar in his sport before you were even an itch in your Daddy’s drawers. We are, of course, talking about legendary New York Mets pitcher, George Thomas Seaver. If you haven’t heard of him, he won 311 games, had a career ERA of 2.86, over 3,600 strikeouts, was a World Series champ, and a first ballot Hall-of-Famer.

Now, you may not think that’s as impressive as your six Super Bowl wins and countless other NFL accomplishments, and that’s fair, everyone’s entitled to their opinion. But the nickname “Tom Terrific” ain’t yours. And you have no claim to it, f**kSt!ck. Go ahead and trademark “TB12” all you like or “Pretty Boy Brady” or “Mr. Bündchen,”  hell you can even fight Tommy Vardell for the rights to “Touchdown Tommy,” but lay the f**k off ‘Tom Terrific.”

Where do you get the (deflated) balls to even make such a move? Don’t you have anyone in your life who can tell you “no” anymore? Sweet Jesus, man, get a f**king grip. You don’t need this. You don’t need to be ripping off a baseball legend who is now suffering from dementia and won’t be commenting on this. Let it go. It doesn’t suit the image you’ve spent so many years carefully cultivating.

Terrific though you may be, you have no business trademarking this nickname, just as anyone named Gretzky can’t just label themselves “The Great One.” I’ve known a lot of Larrys in my life, but none have had the audacity to slap the word “Legend” on the end of their given name. Did Joe Carter decide to start calling himself “Joltin’ Joe?” Would Sam Bradford be well-advised to start using the nickname “Slingin’ Sammy?” No! Anyone who knows even a little about sports knows that these names are iconic… AND TAKEN!

Do yourself a favor, Tom Brady, and back the f**k off on this one. Have a kale smoothie, cover yourself in magnets, look at yourself in the mirror for hours on end, but drop this charade that you’re “Tom Terrific.” There’s no question that you’re great, but you lost to Eli Manning twice, so show a little f**king humility, will ya?

OK, good talk. Thanks for listening, TB12.

Yours sincerely,

Angry Ward

P.S. “The Franchise” is taken too, a$$wipe.

TOM TERRIFIC… ALWAYS! We could not find info on whom to credit for this great photo.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has never stolen anyone’s nickname.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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