Angry Ward Wednesday: MLB Trading Deadline Doldrums and NFL Nonsense


BRONX, NY – Happy last day of July! Maybe ever. Who knows? Donald Trump’s brain is infested with rats and water bugs and backed up Chicken McNugget farts, while Moscow Mitch McConnell has his Depends in a twist over his awesome new nickname. But we’re not here to discuss dangerously stupid racists or treasonous weasels, we’re here to talk some sports! I waited until Tuesday night to write this glorious treatise in hopes that baseball’s chickensh!t GMs would make some mind-blowing deals. But, so far, only Crazy Brodie’s has been open for business. If anything happens as I’m writing this, I will shoehorn it in. But, let’s see what else we got.

“What stinks? Oh, my receivers.”

Look Ma, No Hands! While I do my best not to follow the New York Football Giants all that closely in the summer months, they are easily more palatable to me than the drunk green blob that is the Jets. Anyway, the one thing about the Giants that’s been impossible to ignore is that they currently don’t have any wide receivers. OBJ is in Cleveland, Sterling Shepard jacked up his thumb and is questionable for Week 1, Corey Coleman tore his ACL and is out for the season, and now Golden Tate has suspended for the first 4 weeks of the season for testing positive for a fertility drug. This… um… isn’t good. Last time I checked the NFL was a passing league. I guess if you’re looking for a silver lining in all of this, it’s that Saquon Barkley will get a chance to prove that he’s every bit as good as Adrian Peterson was when he regularly shredded 8-man fronts.

Trade Deadline Update! Bobby Bonilla still a New York Met.

Le’Veon Bell Apologizes to Fantasy Owners. I read this headline yesterday and there’s just so much wrong with it. An NFL player apologizing to pathetic fantasy owners (yes, that includes me) about not playing last year? Pffft. Ha! Le’Veon, save your apologies for when your “patient” take-a-number-and-wait-at-the-deli-counter running style doesn’t exactly work with the Jets the way it did in Pittsburgh.

Trade Deadline Update! The Yankees have acquired Mickey Rivers and Ed Figueroa from the Angels for Bobby Bonds. This looks like a great deal for the Yanks, if you ask me. Side note, I hear Bonds has a son that’s a pretty good ballplayer.

Nathan Peterman Growing on Gruden. Yet another headline you’ve got to love. The Raiders are an exquisite piece of performance art. I don’t need “Hard Knocks” to know that. Gruden is a con artist genius. I’m not kidding when I say he’ll probably be President one day.

Trade Deadline Update! Watching the Yankees play Arizona (blecch) and they just said that Cleveland a-hole Trevor Bauer is going to Cincinnati? Hahahahahahaha! Best thing to happen in Ohio in like forever.

OK, clearly, watching the MLB trade deadline is every bit as thrilling as watching Ben Stein announce flight delays. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, unless he gets traded to ESPN for Dan Le Batard’s Dad. Can I get traded? Please?

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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