Angry Ward Wednesday: Antonio Brown’s Feet, Zeke on the Street, and the Mets Can’t Be Beat

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NEW YORK, NY – The New York Metropolitans are clearly on a mission from God and an unstoppable juggernaut. But you already knew that, so I won’t waste your time. Don’t fret, there’s plenty of other stuff to talk about… and none of it rugby. Let’s get to it!

Antonio Blecch! Have you gotten a load of Antonio Brown’s feet? Sweet Jeebus! How on earth did the Raiders invest all of this money on a guy who looks like he’s been standing on the sun for the last 5 years. There’s so much going on here, and none of it good. Looks like Jason Pierre-Paul lit off a stick of dynamite near those tootsies. He doesn’t need a podiatrist so much as he needs a plastic surgeon. His neighbors probably demand that he leave his shoes on when he visits. I’m surprised Trump hasn’t thrown those feet in an internment camp.

Mass Hole for Sale. Tom Brady and Gisele are apparently selling their Massachusetts home for $39.5 million. I wouldn’t pay that much for the entire state.

Jed Zeppelin. I know I said I wasn’t gonna talk about the Mets, but this picture of Jed Lowrie so perfectly illustrates what that Jed Lowrie signing feels like at this point. I hasten to add that I liked the signing and am a well-documented moron.

Bronx Bombers Injury Update. Sticking on the injury front, the New York Yankees just announced that they are no closer to removing Thurman Munson from the 14,600-day disabled list.

 

Cowboys Play Hide and Zeke. It seems as though Dallas Cowboys running back and all-around bon vivant Ezekiel Elliott is holding out for a new contract and a whole lot more money. Normally, I would say that this is no big deal, but Jerry Jones and his plantation-owner mentality (all owners really) is pretty used to getting his way at this point AND having too much time on his hands has never been a good look for Zeke. Hopefully the sides can come together so Elliott can move into a bigger Salvation Army barrel.

DFA Dudes. A couple of weeks back Matt Harvey completed his transition from The Dark Knight to Goodnight Nurse when the Angels designated him for assignment, which is a polite way of saying, “Keep walking west until your hat floats.” This is not the Hollywood ending Harvey had in mind. Even studio execs would complain, “too depressing.” While this could be the end of the line for Harvey (hope it isn’t), another guy who got DFA’d just yesterday, could be looking at a fresh start somewhere. Joe Panik, who got released by the Giants just yesterday has one of the best names in baseball and would make an excellent replacement for a certain gimpy, wildly-overpaid second baseman for a team I said I wouldn’t write about. He went to St. John’s so should have no trouble finding Queens.

Sadly, this site’s management doesn’t DFA anyone, which is why most writers here fake their own deaths and also why Buddy Diaz will be back tomorrow.

 

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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