Angry Ward Wednesday: Pete Alonso Socks, Daniel Jones Sucks(?), and Former Mets are Dealin’!


BRONX, NY – I’m back in the New York groove. A little over a week in Florida was plenty. Among my insanely predictable takeaways, this so-called “battleground state” now seems mostly red (maybe it’s the sun), and I am now fully retired from going to Orlando theme parks. I’d sooner buy my daughter a pony for her next birthday.

Anyway, I saw one New York sports-based news item while I was away that completely blew my mind. Last week, Mets rookie Pete Alonso drove in his 93rd run of the year and became the first Met to reach that number since… wait for it… 2012! WTF??? That is beyond embarrassing, especially in this day and age. If Alonso knocks in 100 *spoiler alert: he will* they should just go ahead and retire his number. He’s already replaced Alonzo Mosely as my favorite Alonso.

I’m still getting caught up, what else is going on around here? I only saw a couple of highlights from the Giants game this week, is Daniel Jones still on pace to send Eli to the glue factory? I know he threw a TD but also saw him get strip sacked. What’s the consensus among MTM Jints fans? I know that Baker Mayfield thinks he’s a f**king loser, but who cares what anyone in Cleveland has to say.

Baker_Mayfield, Daniel_Jones, Pete_Alonso, Eli_Manning, Meet_The_Matts, Angry_Ward

Separated at birth: Daniel Jones & Jim Carrey?

Back to the Mets for a sec. I see there are reports out of the Dominican Republic that Octavio Dotel and Luis Castillo have been busted in some major narcotics sting.(*Update: Dotel Busted, Castillo “cited,” whatever that means.) There seems to be some room here for jokes, especially about Castillo getting “caught” or “popped,” and now maybe “charges dropped” but what’s the use. If the Mets ever do decide to have an Old Timers Day they should seriously consider playing it in a penitentiary or drug rehab joint. New fan chant idea: Let’s Go Meth! Let’s Go Meth!

One last Mets bit. Wilmer Flores has 12 hits in his last 19 at-bats for Arizona and is hitting .312. Shades of Justin Turner? It would be so “New York Mets” for the one guy that truly loved playing in Flushing to blossom in the desert. Stay tuned.

I’m gonna be done with this one for this week, as I’m sure everyone is away enjoying the last couple of weeks of summer by sailing in regattas and drinking themselves cross-eyed. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, the only Philadelphia Eagles fan who has never drank his own urine on a dare. We think.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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