Angry Ward Wednesday: The Jets Are Garbage, The Pats Are Gonna Win It All, and Other NFL Absolutes

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BRONX, NY – We’re one week into the NFL season and already sports talkers everywhere are making bold proclamations. “Dallas might be the best team in football!” “Todd Gurley could be done.” “The Cleveland Browns might not be that good.” Yeah, that last one is fairly hilarious. Right up there with the headline: Sun Will Rise in the East Tomorrow. Anyway, it’s laughable that so many are spewing so much nonsense after just one game, but I want in! Let’s get started with one of my favorite teams.

Jets Suck. The New York Jetropolitans choked away an easy win against the hapless Buffalo Bills in their home opener last Sunday in front of their inebriated fans and one inebriated Short Matt. You can take this game as nothing more than a poorly produced trailer to what will surely be one of the sh!ttiest movies of the year, starring Ginger Li’l Abner as Sammy Football and bug-eyed Adam Gase as Coach Coacherson. Sorry, but this is the way it has to be. Jets fans just aren’t funny unless their team is in the crapper and, lucky for us, they almost always are.

Li'l Abner, Sam_Darnold, Adam_Gase, Meet_The_Matts, Angry_Ward, Jets

Falcon Crushed. I hate seeing talented NFL players have their careers wasted playing on mediocre teams, and that’s exactly what’s happening in Atlanta to one of the best wide receivers in the game, Julio Jones. He’s had his moments, for sure, but after Kyle Shanahan abandoned ship following their Super Bowl gag-a-palooza against the Patriots, Jones spent all of last season doing nothing under one of the worst offensive coordinators ever, Steve Sarkisian. This year might be no better. He signed a nice extension but seems on the fast track to being the next Steve Smith, an exceptional talent toiling in the shadows.

Patriots Are Going to Win it All Again. As Ben Whitney led with yesterday, the Patriots look “unbeatable” after destroying the Steelers Sunday night. That’s not to say that I think they will make another run at a perfect season but, they will almost surely win enough games to secure home field throughout the playoffs. They play in arguably the worst division in football, where they’ll rack up easy W’s against the likes of Buffalo, Miami (absolutely putrid), and the aforementioned Gang Groan. Back to Miami for a sec. Why is Florida allowed to have any professional sports teams? No one down there cares! Anyway, yeah, the Pats look primed to win another title, unless Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs can put up a superhuman effort, cut Brady’s head off, wrap it in a bag full of deflated footballs and dated video equipment, fill Belichick’s hoodie up with bricks, tie the whole mess to naked Bob Kraft and sink it in Boston Harbor, then maybe… maybe we don’t have to see another Patriots Super Bowl win.

Freddie Kitchens is Toast. The minute you hire a head coach with a name like Freddie Kitchens, you’ve lost a good bit of credibility. Not that the Browns ever really had any. And Freddie didn’t choose his name, though he probably did choose to continue to go by Freddie. Anyway, this guy is getting fired before the season is over. OBJ’s wristwatch will probably take over as interim, and will be great at game clock management.

A Quick Word About the Giants. I want to wrap this up but felt it important to say something about the New York Football Giants. Barkley and Engram are seriously good, and fun to watch, but no one is going to be watching if the Giants can’t manage to beat Buffalo this coming Sunday. If they can’t win this one, pack up the tailgating tents and go home, Giants fans. In the same vein as what I said about Julio Jones, I hope Barkley doesn’t become another Barry Sanders, meaning a generational talent on a team that goes nowhere.

Speaking of generational talents, Buddy Diaz is back tomorrow to possibly say a bunch of stuff about the Eagles or, please God no, the Knicks.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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