Thankful Ward Wednesday: Let Us Give Thanks

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BRONX, NY – Here we are on Thanksgiving Eve, and fewer people than usual are seeing this post today. It matters not. I am a content-producing robot, built and named by Management. Actually more like, hit over the head and shanghaied onto a creaky, leaky ship by Management. Again, the backstory doesn’t matter at this point. What does matter is cranking out a column quickly so I can get into my cups and watch some holiday-themed movie like Planes, Trains… or Trading Places… or The Sure Thing for the umpteenth time. In order to achieve my goal, I’m going to keep this post spartan. The Pilgrims would have wanted it that way. No photos or videos (OK, maybe one or two videos) unless the editorial staff wants to add their usual Thanksgiving Parade Balloon photo… yawn. OK, let us now give thanks. Me first!

Angry_Ward, Meet_The_Matts, Fran_Tarkenton, Chuck_Foreman, spiderman

The Minnesota Vikings. Believe it or not, I am thankful I chose the Vikings as my football team a million years ago when Fran Tarkenton was running for his life and Chuck Foreman was spinning his way into the end zone. This team is pure torture, but that’s only because they almost always play well enough to feel the pain, and I’ll take that. JG Clancy and others know what I’m talking about. It’s better than being a fan of Washington or Cleveland or any of those other teams that suffer through year after year of not even sniffing the playoffs. That must be awful. No, I’ll take 8-3 in November with a horrific collapse or crushing playoff loss down the line. Thanks, Minny!

Easy-Going Thanksgiving Guests. I remember my Mom getting wound up every year over the little stuff being associated with Thanksgiving. If it were up to her we would be setting the table a week before the meal. Don’t get me wrong, she was a great Mom, and I’ve seen the same irrational holiday behavior elsewhere. But I prefer things a bit more low key. This year it’s just my little family, which includes my always-entertaining big brother, and another small family of friends who actually have to move the day after Thanksgiving. I’m telling everyone to just bring themselves and booze. I’ve also told them that if things go off the rails and meal goes south, we will all be eating Popeye’s Chicken Sandwiches. No one seems to have a problem with that Plan B. Joy. One person who will be missed is our dear friend Emily, who would be happy with anything we served, just so long as we could watch Christmas Vacation when it was all over. Gotta love that, and her. She’ll be with us in spirit, from Texas. Thanks, Em!

Detroit Lions. I hope the Detroit Lions play on Thanksgiving until we are all no more. A Lions Thanksgiving Game would kinda make a perfect coda for Planet Earth. You remember all of those cheesy halftime performances like “Up with People?” They could do one called “Game Over.” I’d have gospel singers, death metal bands, every music act available. Anyway, GO LIONS!

Health. Though we’ve all lost a lot of legends among our family and friends over the years, I think we really need to be thankful for those that are still with us, saying funny things, doing weird stuff, and generally mixing it up. That’s called living. It’s important to try to appreciate those seated around your table tomorrow, because there ain’t any others like them.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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