Angry Ward Wednesday: Booger, Suzyn, the Boys, and Others Who Won’t Be Getting a Christmas Card from Me

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BRONX, NY – Good people, I think we really need to get together and think about banning any more Thanksgivings that happen just a couple of days before the beginning of December. We also need to change Halloween to the final Saturday in October, but I’ll save that argument for another time. Back to this Christmas season that is a full-on runaway Polar Express. They light the tree at Rock Center tonight, fer crissakes!!! (Sorry, Baby Jesus.) There’s not enough time to do all that needs to get done. Presents, tree buying and trimming, Christmas card writing… For that last one, I’ll have to drop some names from my list. Good thing there are some easy choices.

Booger McFarland. Monday Night Football is unwatchable, yet I sat through this past Monday’s game because my Vikings were playing. I was treated to 3+ hours of Booger McFarland trying to play Pigskin Nostradamus by predicting who was gonna get the ball in what situation. Mostly, he kept predicting Josh Gordon was going to do something big… he never did. Oh, he also thinks “The Minneapolis Miracle” went against the Vikes. But, I shouldn’t single him out. I’m going go ahead and include the rest of the MNF crew on the “do not send” list. They all stink. But, honestly, was Monday Night Football ever so great? Cosell was an absolute know-it-all jerk with a horrible toupee. Don Meredith? A Cowboys-rooting rube. Frank Gifford? Dumb ex-jock trying to sound smart. OJ? Dennis Miller??? Don’t get me started on that disaster. And last year we got Jerry Jones‘ current lap dog, Jason Witten, who has all the personality of a Burger King taco. Screw MNF. Who’s next?

Suzyn Waldman. She never responds to my fan mail… or any of my texts begging her to strangle Sterling on air.

The Dallas Cowboys. They are going to make the playoffs, and here’s how it’s going to happen. They will win the NFC East by default with a crappy record AND (this is an important “and”) the Vikings won’t make the playoffs, even though they will have a better record than Dallas and beat them in Dallas. That’s the most Vikings way for this season to go, so it probably will. No card for Jerry and his craptastic cowpokes.

Short Matt. I’ll send one instead to his lovely wife and I’ll send another one to his dog, Shasky. This all changes pending a decent staff holiday party.

Carmelo Anthony. He just won NBA Player of the Week and I’m sure our own Buddy Diaz is going to pen a love letter to him in tomorrow’s column. That should be enough to carry Melo through the holidays.

ESPN. Far too many reasons to not send ESPN any kind of warm words, so why bother listing them? Instead, I invite you to visit the ESPN website and take a look at where they house their hockey content. Go ahead, take a look. It’s usually under the ellipsis (…) tab choice and then sandwiched somewhere between esports and special Olympics and AFTER rugby. Man do they not care about hockey.

I’m running long, so here are some other names who won’t be receiving cards: Nick Saban, James Harden, Tiger Woods, Jim Harbaugh, the entire GOP, Russell Wilson (Did you hear him mic’d up the other night? Sounded like a smarmy James Spader 80s teen movie character.), Bill de Deblasio, all those leaf-blower jerks in my neighborhood, and the Wilpons.

Angry_Ward_Calhoun, Russell_Wilson, Bill_deBlasio, Booger_McFarland, Meet_The_Matts, Suzyn_Waldman

That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for the aforementioned Diaz mash note to Melo.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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