Angry Ward Wednesday: Impeach The Wilpons, Shurmur, MLB and Belichick

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[Reaching for Merriam-Webster Dictionary, flipping though pages until landing in the “I” section]
im·peach |
impeached; impeaching; impeaches
Definition of impeach
transitive verb
1: to charge with a crime or misdemeanor
specifically : to charge (a public official) before a competent tribunal with misconduct in office
2: to cast doubt on
especially : to challenge the credibility or validity of

BRONX, NY-  As the circus in our nation’s capital reaches fever pitch this week, I’m feeling impeachy keen. Why stop at Carrot Top’s weird uncle Don? Let’s throw all the bums out… especially in sports!

The Wilpons. These two morons, Fred and his boy-blunder Jeff, should have been removed from baseball and launched into the sun years ago. You’re telling me I should be happy about an achingly-slow 5-year-long goodbye from these f**kers? Get me the Nixon-copter stat, and get these incompetents out of Queens.

Pat Shurmur. He’s already been impeached by most Giants fans, so why delay the inevitable? Unless you’re one of those people that would like to see Mike Francesa have a stroke. I don’t judge. Don’t worry about Shurms, he’ll get a chance to be a three-time loser as head coach when my Vikings inevitably miss the playoffs, fire Mike Zimmer, and bring Shurmur back to Minnesota… as it is written in the Ancient Norse scrolls.

Angry_Ward_Calhoun, Marvin_Miller, Meet_The_Matts, Pat_Shurmur, Bill Belichick, Mike_Francesa

Major League Baseball. Did you see that MLB finally got around to inducting Marvin Miller into the Baseball HOF? And all it took was for him to be dead for 7 years and for the veterans committee to finally get off their dead asses and do something. MLB keeping maybe the most important player-advocate in the history of sports out of their hallowed Hall for this long was criminal. In 2008, he finally asked that they no longer consider him. Here was part of his letter that I read in Emma Baccellieri’s excellent piece on si.com yesterday (check it out!).

“Paradoxically, I’m writing to thank you and your associates for your part in nominating me for Hall of Fame consideration, and, at the same time, to ask that you not do this again.”

His letter went on:

“I find myself unwilling to contemplate one more rigged veterans committee whose members are handpicked to reach a particular outcome while offering the pretense of a democratic vote. It is an insult to baseball fans, historians, sports writers and especially to those baseball players who sacrificed and brought the game into the 21st century. At the age of 91, I can do without farce.”

The multi-millionaire baseball players of today (I’m looking squarely at you, Gerrit Cole) owe so much to Miller. It was no shock that greedy owners never wanted to pony up and took it personally when Miller made them. Screw all of them. Impeach!

Bill Belichick. Let’s just a two-for-one deal with his bestest buddyroo Trump. His Hogan’s Heroes Colonel Schultz “I know nothing!” routine was tired around a decade ago. He and Bobby Kraft are singlehandedly trying to save the video industry. They should package “the pee tape” with the “cheat tapes” and “the rub-and-tug tape.” Order yours for Christmas now!

OK, I’m done here. Come back for Buddy Diaz tomorrow, who is too young to remember Warner Wolf going to the videotape.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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