Big Ben Whitney: Belichick, Satan, and Dynasty of Deception, Breezus Breaks Record

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HELL, MI – I was flipping channels the other night and I came to a show on HBO called Belichick & Satan. It took me a few seconds for my brain to calibrate and realize that it said “Saban” and not “Satan.” Belichick & Satan seemed like the legitimate title of an HBO show I’d like to watch. 

Yay, Another “Gate”

Beelizichick (AP Phot0)

Satan’s Sidekick is dealing with another scandal and it looks like we’re calling it SpyGate 2. Just what everyone wanted for Christmas! There has been a surprising amount of pushback and apologizing like this Tweet from Geoff Schwartz:


So what exactly do you think they were doing, Geoff? We know that:Someone on the Patriots’ payroll filmed the Cincinnati Bengals’ sideline as deliberately as possible. The footage pans left to right. It trails player groupings and substitutions. It settles on a wide-angle shot of the sideline, with the Bengals’ coaching staff in full frame.”

Sounds legit. Clearly they were just doing a profile on a scout, or some other ludicrous cover story. The fact that they went into a full panic and offered multiple times to delete the footage doesn’t mean anything. Or the fact that they were clearly coached on what to say if caught. Like the late night texts to the equipment managers from Tom Brady, they sure did act guilty.

Rap Sheet a Mile Long

Belichick’s excuse for the OG SpyGate was that he didn’t know it was illegal. Even if he didn’t (he did), ignorance is no excuse. I found that out a few weeks ago when I got pulled over. The officer seemed sympathetic when I told him I didn’t know taking a selfie of myself doing a beer funnel while driving 130 mph in a school zone was illegal, but he still arrested me. “Can’t we just destroy the tapes and pretend this never happened, officer?” I’m so tired of these crap excuses.

Roger Goodell, in a major hurry to avoid the appearance of tainted Super Bowl wins, destroyed a mountain of video evidence rivaling Short Matt’s, [ahem], mature video collection in the back of his closet. To date, Goodell says it was the right thing to do. Utter nonsense unless the sentence finished with “to save my ass.”

Ben_Whitney, Bill_Belichick, HBO, Roger_Goodell, patriots, Spy_Gate, Drew_Brees

But the league was in such a hurry to maintain the appearance of fairness, the slap-on-the-pinkie fine was not exactly a deterrent for future cheaters. Half a million for Billy and $250,000 for the team? That’s Kraft’s monthly Tug Bill. Sure, losing the first rounder hurt, but not much when you’re winning Super Bowls. Instead of worrying about the appearance of impropriety, the league should have been worried about actual impropriety going forward and made an example out of the Patriots. (MLB, are you listening?) It was a big deal and a huge advantage and the Pats kept doing it.

There’s tape of Billy B searching furiously for Sean McVay during Super Bowl 52. What reason could he have for needing a visual of his opposite hoodie? He was also tracking Pete Carroll during Super Bowl 49.

Reckless Speculation

I know, why would anyone need to cheat to beat the Bengals, a team in full #BurrowforBurrow mode? But maybe this is a huge part of the Patriots process and a big reason for why they win. This team has more video crews at games than NFL films.

Malcolm Butler sure knew what was coming. Was the comeback against the Falcons aided? We know that they taped the Rams walk-through in Super Bowl 37 to kick off this Dynasty of Deception.

Maybe it’s not a coincidence that the same team beat them twice in Super Bowls. Maybe the Giants knew how to take precautions. The signature play by the Eagles in Super Bowl 52 was a sandlot play they called on the sideline and had not run before. The Pats had no way of knowing that crazy play was coming. The speculation can get away from you but we need to start talking about tarnished legacies and asterisks.

Goodell says he’s viewing it as an isolated incident. What? That’s like catching your wife sleeping with all your friends and not taking that into account when you find her bra in your buddy’s car. They should be held to a higher standard. Every film crew even loosely associated with the Pats should have strict instructions not to do anything even close to something that might be perceived as shady. If you believe they were filming player groupings and substitutions for a profile on some scout, I got some Blockbuster shares you might want to take off my hands. Video is making a comeback.

Nobody F’s with the Breezus

But alas, there are already rumblings that Goodell is afraid to take on Satan and his minions, and is going to do next to nothing about it. The video producer named David Mondillo is set to take the fall, just like two Pats employees were the Lee Harvey Oswald and Oliver North of DeflateGate.

What Would Breezus Do?

Good thing there was Drew Brees breaking the TD record last night. That guy is all class. This video of him taking mental reps after practice is downright godly.

Come back tomorrow for a guy who was once in an 80’s metal band called Satan’s Minions, Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About the Author ()

Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.

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