Winter Wardlock Wednesday: Jets Fans, James Dolan, and Other Christmas “Specials”

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BRONX, NY – Christmas is only a week away, and I’ve got plenty to do. Still a few gifts to pick up, but not many, still a few of my favorite holiday movies to watch, like The Man Who Came to Dinner and The Shop Around the Corner, and still gotta square away the roast beast for dinner. Also need to grab a burger with my pal JG Clancy at some point, but we’ll get to it. This is also the perfect time to catch up with all of those classic Christmas TV specials you grew up with and then somehow use them to shoehorn into a sports blog. Amirite? Let’s go!

Rudolph the Red Nosed ReindeerAs was mentioned by me in the comments section on Ben Whitney’s Christmas song piece, Rudolph really got a raw deal in this telling of  his story. He had a red nose. So what? You ever see Jets fans? It’s nothing but neon beezers. But you don’t see us kicking them out of the city… at least not yet.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. They say the Grinch was a meanie because his heart was two sizes to small. They say the same thing about “Short” Matt, though it involves a completely different part of his anatomy. I kid. Having “heart” in sports is a tired old cliché, except when it comes to the New York Knicks, whose ticker gave out years ago under the weight of their brain-dead owner.

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.I’m sure I’ve said this before, but it’s worth re-mentioning: my brother had a crush on the redheaded school teacher that ended up becoming Mrs. Claus, in this Rankin/Bass classic. The Burgermeister Meisterburger is the heavy in this story. He’s a real jerk who locks people up and outlaws toys. Meaning, he’s a slightly better person than Trump or Belichick. I’d vote for him in 2020 right now if he were running against either.

Angry_Ward_Calhoun, Meet_The_Matts, Jim_Dolan, Kirk_Cousins, Knicks, Vikings, Scrooge, Christmas

A Charlie Brown ChristmasThis is one of the best Christmas specials ever, if not THE best. And I’m not just saying that because Linus takes it upon himself to forsake Santa and go all Jesus on us… which is kinda great. No, there’s tons of good stuff in this one. Charlie Brown gets called a blockhead and is depressed as sh!t, Snoopy is absolutely on top of his game, and the dancing is off the charts. In fact, there’s two weeks left in the NFL season and I am calling on one enterprising team to choreograph a group celebration dance tribute to this classic. You’ll be my second favorite team… unless you’re Dallas.

Mister Magoo’s Christmas CarolThis is the best version of the Charles Dickens classic (better than Dickens’ effort even), so accept no substitutes. Making Scrooge senile and blind as a bat only makes him better. And this remains the best kind of redemption story. It’s never too late to turn things around, people. Sit down, New York Giants fans, I’m not talking about you. Yes, I’m hoping for a Christmas miracle for my Vikings. Rather than doing what I assume they’ll do… LOSE OUT… I’m hoping they somehow pull it together, get in the playoffs, and finally make a run. What can I say, it’s Christmastime and I’m a sap.

Razzleberry Dwessing!

Have a great holiday, everyone! Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has been binge-watching the Hallmark Channel.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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