Soggy Ward Saturday: Mets’ Mystery Man, Eli Goes Bye Bye, and Supah Sunday

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BRONX, NY – Short Matt was supposed to post something today but was called away on account of having to cover something called “rugby” in Buffalo, which to me sounds worse than getting the most hideous kind of STD. So here I am, a ray of sunshine on what will otherwise be a washout of a Saturday. None of us wants to be here, but let’s try to make the best of it. Deal? Deal! [*shakes own hand, gets back to typing*] So, what’s to talk about?

Mets New Manager. If any of you know who the Mets new manager is, you really need to get a life. As I’m typing this I can’t even think of his name. Seriously. I don’t even think Felipe Alou knows who he is. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll be great. Better than Art Howe anyway. That, I guarantee.

Whats-His-Name

Eli Manning Retires. Eli Manning made it official yesterday and called it a career with the Giants. For those of you who have been following The G Men, you probably thought he called it a career around 5 years ago. Anyway, lots of his teammates had nothing but nice things to say and some apparently revealed that he was quite the practical joker. Hard to fathom that. What kinds of jokes would an Eli Manning pull, besides hilariously mistimed interceptions and the old “watch me break my foot off in old man Belichick’s a$$” routine. His offensive line got back at him for his jokes by trying to get him killed, which is always a goodie. Anyway, he’s a Hall of Famer, but they’ll make him wait a couple of years. Let’s move on.

The Big Game. One of the most petty things around is the NFL not allowing people to use the words “Super Bowl” or “Super Sunday,” even when referring to a simple party in a bar or restaurant. Screw those tight a$$es a million times over. Anyway, the Chiefs are holding steady as a 1 to 1.5 point favorite. Basically, Vegas has no idea who’s going to win… which is good. Things should get pretty clear pretty fast once the game starts though. I know the fashionable thing these days is to defer if you win the coin toss, but I think in this game it might be good to do the opposite. If SF is able to take the opening drive and run it down KC’s throat as they did against Minnesota and Green Bay, this one could be over right away. But, if KC gets up early, I can’t see SF having an easy time playing catch up. What expert analysis from me, right? Bwahahaha!

They’re No Saints. Very quickly, without knowing the particulars, I’d really like to know what kind of advice/help the New Orleans Saints were offering to the Archdiocese of New Orleans in the face of yet another sexual abuse scandal. I don’t care how devout you are, you cannot help cover stuff like this up. Sincerely hope we get to see those e-mails. This could be a WHOLE lot worse than Bountygate.

That’s all for today. Enjoy the rain!

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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