Angry Ward Wednesday: Let Yourself Go… Like Thor, Olympians, Cam Newton and Bartolo

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PALM BEACH, FL – Now is not the time to wax poetic or come up with clever puns or make endless jokes about keeping Short Matt in quarantine until 2060. No. Now is the time to just speak the plain truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Except, of course, if you are President of the United States. Then you just speak in generalities like “we’re looking into it” and “we’re going to explore many things” and tell lies that any 5-year-old can see through. Anyway, let’s the rest of us get down to brass tacks. As much as I, and many others out there, are getting creative in our isolation workout routines, there’s a VERY good chance that we will eventually emerge from our Corona Cocoons as absolute lard-asses. But maybe that’s not such a terrible thing.

Tommy John for Thor. I just can’t even…. Yesterday the news came over the mostly dormant sports wire that Noah Syndergaard will need Tommy John surgery for his elbow. *sigh* They aren’t even playing games! The Mets just won’t let the Yankees win the injury battle… that’s how competitive the 2020 New York Mets (who may never play a single game) are. Next!

Olympics Postponed. The Summer Olympics are being pushed back to 2021. I feel bad for all those world class athletes who have been training so hard and not eating endless strips of bacon and drinking endless buckets of Mountain Dew. Joke’s on you this time, jockaroonies. Go get ’em in 2021, or not. Up to you.

Cam Newton is “Free and Hungry.” Look, I’ve never been a big fan of FORMER Carolina Panthers MVP QB Cam Newton, but if there were any time to be free and hungry, it’s now. Eat up, Superman!

Big Sexy. Look, any time I have an opportunity to throw in a photo of Bartolo Colon drinking some cerveza on a boat, I’m going for it. This should be what we’re all striving for.

You know what? I’m done for this week. I’m currently an MTA pizza rat living at Sea World. I’m out of sorts! Send a case of Gosling’s Rum, Stat!

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has spent the better part of the last week following James Dolan’s limo around and coughing on its door handles.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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