Angry Ward Wednesday: The Permanent Road Trip. Plus, NHL North Dakota, MLB Arizona

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PALM BEACH, FL – So many people, where you are and around the world, are cooped up inside these days lamenting the never-ending homestand they are currently experiencing. In sports, it’s great to be at home, playing on your home field, court, or ice,  eating home-cooked meals, sleeping in your own bed, getting to see the ones you love… but that’s only because you’re away so much. In real life, a non-stop homestand is something of a suicide mission. Being home ALL the time, and NOT being allowed to leave your home? Not so good. For single people, it gets more lonely and maybe even scary.

For married types, and especially those with kids, we’re talking a no-holds-barred steel cage death-match. Marriage is an insane proposition to begin with—“Hey, you’re from here and I’m from there and you grew up in a house and I grew up in an apartment! We should live together forever and make our own little people. What could possibly go wrong?”—but having to be together 24/7 is not something anyone ever signed on for, not even masochists… or New York Yankees pitchers.

As for me, I’m on what seems like an ill-advised, league-scheduled, open-ended road trip. I came down to Florida for what was supposed to be 6 days and am now here for what’s coming up on a month. There have been a few wins but, predictably, more losses. The road grays don’t suit me, even when they are the same damn clothes I wear every single day at home, plus a bathing suit. OK, ok, I wear a bathing suit at home too. But, anyway, being on the road indefinitely is no great shakes either. Life is this somewhat delicate balance of routine and variety, and right now, none of us have any of this balance. I no more enjoy being on “extended vacation” than I would trying to stay six feet away from my neighbor in an elevator right now.

All right, I suppose I need to steer this thing towards sports somehow. It seems that Major League Baseball and the National Hockey League are now floating ideas (but, really, they’re sensational rumors to keep their sports relevant, right?) that MLB might start the season in May in Arizona and the NHL might complete its season in North Dakota. Hogwash! Do not believe this crap. Baseball players are not going to play games in front of no fans in a state best known for unbearable heat (“It’s a dry heat?” Shaddup!), cacti, and a huge hole in the ground. That’s just stupid. And hockey is not going to finish its season and playoffs in North Friggin’ Dakota. Sports, like the people that play and watch and love them, need the ebb and flow of home and road. It makes no sense to play them in some forbidden zone where no one can hear you scream. That’s a tagline for Alien, not sports.

Angry_Ward, Ward_Calhoun, NHL, NHL North Dakota, MLB Arizona, Meet_The_Matts

Anyway, people, keep fighting the good fight. We’ll just keep seeing what tomorrow brings… even if it’s Buddy Diaz.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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