FLORHAM PARK, NJ – Oh, Shaqtus… You inspire me. You really do. I had a Shaq basketball and Orlando Magic Starter jacket as a kid. I shared an elevator with you in New Orleans last year. You’re a large man. Didn’t know you’re a Jets fan – good to have you on board. Also nice to have Aaron Sorkin’s neurotic fictional News Room character, Will McAvoy on board… Lots of good exposure for Gang Green this week – unless we’re talking about Revis Holdout 2.0 or Mohammed Wilkerson’s little stunt on the Garden State at 4am Saturday morning… dude rolled his car and walked away with a scratch on his arm. His statement following the incident concluded, “Welcome to my world… the world of Red Bull [and probably a little vodka].”
But I digress. Before I summon my inner Will McAvoy and go all batsh!t about these Jets, I’d just like to make a couple of observations about Shaq’s innocent little Tweet.
1) Shaq, If you think Timmy Tebow’s arms are huge, you clearly haven’t observed LaRon Landry recently… If only his Achilles were this strong.
2) Don’t mean to be nit-picky, but the Jets have indeed already won a Super Bowl - granted it was the same year Neil Armstrong bounced around on the moon. But don’t worry, it was before you and I were born, so it doesn’t count.
3) Said victory was also predicted well in advance by that guy… you know… that degenerate fellow.
4) Yes Shaq, Timmy has some pipes but what good are they when he can’t hit the broad side of a barn from 10 yards? Did I mention he’s a “quarterback?”
5) Please involve yourself in the ongoing Stephen A. Smith vs. Skip Bayless debate. It will be Hilarity x Shaq.
6) You probably didn’t mean this Shaq, but you’re pointing at Tebow while ironically, the only legible word on the poster is “Solution.” Nope, don’t think so. More like freakish experiment bound to set the Jets back another decade and get everyone fired in the process.
I really do hope I’m wrong about this of course. I’ve been a Jets fan since a bottle of beer came up to my hips (admittedly I didn’t know what football was until a few years later- but I was decked out in Jets onezies more often than I’d like to admit as mini human).
For all the years I’ve rooted for this team, from the 3-13 years (all hail Rich Kotite!), through the Pennington Noodle Arm Era, I’ve always been [perhaps tragically] optimistic going into each season. It was a new chance for the Jets. Improvements made, holes in the depth chart shored up, shake weights shook and god-damned snacks eaten.
But this one feels different. I’m going into this season with a lot of trepidation- and it’s not just because one of our deep threats is named Chaz…We’ve all heard the predictions that Tebow will take Sanchez’s job and lead the team to the Super Bowl – thank you Skip Bayless. We’ve also heard Rex say Sanchez is our guy and Tebow will run the wildcat anywhere from 0-20 times a game. Cool. That sounds like fun. Bill Belichick had better get some sleep now; our offense will be a double-headed pretty boy- virgin monster.
But what happens when Sanchize throws his first pick at the abortion (sorry Timmy- sensitive word there) of a stadium called Met Life? What happens when he has a two-pick game or fails to convert from the red-zone? The media, not to mention the fan base, will go nuts. They’ll call for Timmy Time and they’ll get it. But it won’t be a football decision. It will be a PR decision because these Jets are media whores.
The front office will get its wish - a constant rotation of Jets news on the nation’s back pages, the nightly news, ESPN, CNN and the fucking 700 Club. The internet will light up faster than the Hindenburg on a windy day. And that’s just what it will be – a beautiful catastrophe.
Tebow will miss Santonio on simple crossing routes (that’ll go over well), he’ll have balls knocked down because his arm has to be wound up like a trebuchet before he releases, he’ll throw pick, after pick and the Jets will have a sub .500 season.
That same front office will have gotten the Jets into this mess and heads will have to roll. I’m gonna go with Tanny and maybe even Rex. I hope my early pessimism translates to wins the same way my optimism has wound up in heartbreak. I hope Shaq is on to something and the Jets do make it to the Big Game- but Tebow’s guns, despite last year’s Denver miracle, won’t have anything to do with it.
If the motto “Defense wins Championships” has any validity, it rings doubly true for the Jets this year. Here’s to those stitches healing well Mohammed. Take it easy on the highway. We need you. Big time.
The fetching Lori Levine, tomorrow.
Filed in: Evan Achiron