Cookie’s Corner: 2013 The Year of 30% In Sports

Short Matt & Shaq: Year of 30%.

NEW YORK, NY – Another week gone, January is 1/3 over and this is my first post of 2013. I’m thinking about numbers. In particular, the number three. It and its multiples have been coming up a lot lately.  So much so that I’m not going to call 2013 “The Year of 30%.” Let’s take a look:

Notre Dame; A 30% Effort:  Everyone was all “Woah, Notre Dame! Fightin’ Irish. Woot, woot!” Now all we’ve been hearing is “Roll Tide!” I don’t give a rat’s ass.  In my book, college football should have ended with the Rose Bowl.  That’s kinda the way I remember it as a kid.  Anyway, while some might disagree that Notre Dame put up much of an effort, with a final score of 42-14, the 14 the Founderin’ Irish put up were exactly 33.3% of ‘Bama’s 42 points.

SHAZAM! Hoff’s head squashed like a grape!

Shaq Attack!  My former co-worker now lives in Atlanta and works at a radio station.  He meets sports celebs all the time. This weekhe met Shaq. Look at the picture. Shaq’s hand is 30% bigger than my friend’s head. This is an average sized male of about 5’11″…

You Have The Flu. Maybe:  The family went to Stowe, VT this weekend. I got in a 5-mile run and a swim on Friday and a little snowboarding on Saturday before it happened. Saturday night, I was a sweaty, convulsing mess. Two days and two drenched sets of bedding later I found myself in the local walk-in clinic.  After being given a gut-twisting mix of Zpack and Tamiflu, they called and said I tested negative for the flu but to keep taking the meds. Seems the test is only 70% accurate, so there’s a 30% shot I had the flu.

Cooperstown: This past week, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America decided for the first time in over fifty-years that NO ONE was worthy of being inducted in 2013. That’s right: No One Shall Pass!  They were tighter than a monkey’s arse.  And guess what? A few on the ballot were 30%ers…  Curt Schilling (38.8%), Roger Clemens (37.6%),  Barry Bonds (36.2%), Edgar Martinez (35.9%), and Alan Trammell (33.6%).  In his first year on the  ballot, Mike Piazza got 57.8% and in an unlucky 13 kinda curse, Don Mattingly’s 13th year on the ballot saw him only receive 13% f the vote.

2013: A thirty-percent Cookie ab improvement.

Swim You Idiots:  I got in on a lottery for something called the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Swim.  It’s a 4.4 mile open water swim under the spans of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge in June and The Public Professor will be my towel boy.  This 4.4 mile swim is a 30% distance increase on my last one.  Fascinating, I know. But for feigning interest, you get to know that Saturday I will be stripping down to a bikini in Southport, CT for a Polar Plunge benefiting two funds related to the Sandy Hook tragedy. You can still donate! I’ll 30% clothed… Or less.

ABTASTIC ADDITION: Finally, I’ve upped my movement to a six-pack, from a two pack, to a two-pack with two-side ab cuts.  A 30%  ab improvement by the dead of January.  I did it all for Mattville. Now it’s your turn!

And with that I’m pretty much 30% over my word count, so I’m out of here.  Come back tomorrow for Dr. Diz, who’s always 100%.

Filed in: Cookie's Corner
Tagged with: Barry Bonds • Cooperstown • Meet The Matts • MeetTheMatts • Mike Piazza • MLB • Roger Clemens • Shaq • sports comedy • sports commentary