NEW YORK, NY – Another week gone, January is 1/3 over and this is my first post of 2013. I’m thinking about numbers. In particular, the number three. It and its multiples have been coming up a lot lately. So much so that I’m not going to call 2013 “The Year of 30%.” Let’s take a look:
Notre Dame; A 30% Effort: Everyone was all “Woah, Notre Dame! Fightin’ Irish. Woot, woot!” Now all we’ve been hearing is “Roll Tide!” I don’t give a rat’s ass. In my book, college football should have ended with the Rose Bowl. That’s kinda the way I remember it as a kid. Anyway, while some might disagree that Notre Dame put up much of an effort, with a final score of 42-14, the 14 the Founderin’ Irish put up were exactly 33.3% of ‘Bama’s 42 points.
Shaq Attack! My former co-worker now lives in Atlanta and works at a radio station. He meets sports celebs all the time. This weekhe met Shaq. Look at the picture. Shaq’s hand is 30% bigger than my friend’s head. This is an average sized male of about 5’11″…
You Have The Flu. Maybe: The family went to Stowe, VT this weekend. I got in a 5-mile run and a swim on Friday and a little snowboarding on Saturday before it happened. Saturday night, I was a sweaty, convulsing mess. Two days and two drenched sets of bedding later I found myself in the local walk-in clinic. After being given a gut-twisting mix of Zpack and Tamiflu, they called and said I tested negative for the flu but to keep taking the meds. Seems the test is only 70% accurate, so there’s a 30% shot I had the flu.
Cooperstown: This past week, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America decided for the first time in over fifty-years that NO ONE was worthy of being inducted in 2013. That’s right: No One Shall Pass! They were tighter than a monkey’s arse. And guess what? A few on the ballot were 30%ers… Curt Schilling (38.8%), Roger Clemens (37.6%), Barry Bonds (36.2%), Edgar Martinez (35.9%), and Alan Trammell (33.6%). In his first year on the ballot, Mike Piazza got 57.8% and in an unlucky 13 kinda curse, Don Mattingly’s 13th year on the ballot saw him only receive 13% f the vote.
Swim You Idiots: I got in on a lottery for something called the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Swim. It’s a 4.4 mile open water swim under the spans of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge in June and The Public Professor will be my towel boy. This 4.4 mile swim is a 30% distance increase on my last one. Fascinating, I know. But for feigning interest, you get to know that Saturday I will be stripping down to a bikini in Southport, CT for a Polar Plunge benefiting two funds related to the Sandy Hook tragedy. You can still donate! I’ll 30% clothed… Or less.
ABTASTIC ADDITION: Finally, I’ve upped my movement to a six-pack, from a two pack, to a two-pack with two-side ab cuts. A 30% ab improvement by the dead of January. I did it all for Mattville. Now it’s your turn!
And with that I’m pretty much 30% over my word count, so I’m out of here. Come back tomorrow for Dr. Diz, who’s always 100%.
Filed in: Cookie's Corner