Angry Ward Wednesday: Sports Golden Globe Awards

• January 16, 2013 • 38 Comments

rex-ryan-tattoo Meet_The_MattsYONKERS, NY - Lost in all of the hoopla surrounding Sunday night’s Golden Globe Awards in Hollywood, were the equally star-studded and spectacular Sports Golden Globes handed out in Yonkers on Monday night. Hosted by the hilarious City Lights stripper comic duo of Trina May and Jamie Poleher, this awards show made the ESPYs look like the People’s Choice Awards. As always, all in attendance were dressed to the nines. Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis gave new meaning to the term “red carpet” when he arrived wearing a killer white suit, also providing an uncomfortable exchange with MTM field reporter Lori Levine who asked him: “Whose DNA are you wearing?” Anyway, here’s how some of the bigger award categories shook out.

Worst Quarterback in a Supporting Role.
A) Tim Tebow
B) Joe Webb
C) Anyone on the Arizona Cardinals
D) Jason Campbell
Winner: Anyone on the Arizona Cardinals. This category really wasn’t as close as it looked. Tim Tebow’s season was an incomplete, Webb only got one chance to truly suck in his playoff game against the Pack, and Jason Campbell isn’t really a quarterback. Larry Fitzgerald accepted the award on behalf of Arizona’s quarterbacks. Sobbing uncontrollably he smashed the statue to pieces, screamed “I’m never going to the Hall of Fame,” and walked off stage.

Funniest Sports Moment.
A) Chad Johnson’s condom receipt divorce
B) NY Jets Hiring Tony Sparano as Offensive Coordinator
C) Rex Ryan’s Tattoo of his wife in a Mark Sanchez Jersey
D) Joba Chamberlain dislocating his ankle on a kids trampoline
E) Mark Sanchez running up his offensive lineman’s ass and fumbling
Winner: Mark Sanchez. The Jets truly dominated this category and many thought that this would lead to a split vote, perhaps enabling someone like Chamberlain walking away with the coveted hardware. But there was little doubt with voters as “The Sanchize’s” butt fumble won in a walk. In his acceptance speech Sanchez angrily told the Global Foreign Sports Press that they could shove their award up their asses, which drew gales of laughter from all in attendance.

Best Sports Endorser(s).
A) Peyton Manning: Papa John’s Pizza
B) Derek Jeter: Ford
C) Rod Tidwell: Waterbed Warehouse
D) Antonio Cromartie: Planned Parenthood
E) Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony: Honey Nut Cheerios
Winner(s): Garnett and Anthony. It was a late entry but it really caught the public’s imagination and made Honey Nut Cheerios relevant again for people over age 3. Seriously though, don’t these guys really need to make a Honey Nut Cheerios commercial together? Wouldn’t that be ten times funnier than anything Bird and Magic ever did? The ball is in your court General Mills.

Worst Sports Commissioner.
A) Gary Bettman
B) Roger Goodell
C) Gary Bettman
D) David Stern
E) Bud Selig
F) Gary Bettman
G) The guy who runs MLS
Winner: Gary Bettman. Any other year and this would have been a tightly contested category with each commish trying to out brain-fart the others, but Bettman went nuclear this year, delivering a 20-megaton silent-but-deadly lockout stinker that all but killed the entire NHL season.

Best Sports Performance by an Individual or Ensemble Cast.
A) Marquez knocks out Pacquiao
B) Jennifer Lawrence as grieving slut in Silver Linings Playbook
C) Meet The Matts Belmont Park Field Trip
D) Tony Romo throws three picks in another must-win game
E) The Los Angeles Kings win the Stanley Cup
Winner: Meet The Matts Belmont Park Field Trip. One of those categories where it was just an honor to be mentioned in the same breath as the other nominees. The MTM Ponies Trip had it all though: highway-side pickups, insane traffic, cold beer, sandwiches, winners, losers, Cookie, Cam, The Public Prof, one euthanized horse, and a guy who’ll remain nameless who fell asleep on the toilet and lost his cell phone. The fact that this was pulled off without stalwarts like West Coast Craig, Lori Levine, Grote2DMax and Sam’s-a-Fan, is a testament to how deep this team really is.

MTM Group2

Before Junior Blaber fell asleep on the toilet.

Congrats to all the winners. Come back tomorrow for some losers… and Cam Purcell.

Filed in: Angry Ward
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About the Author ()

Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • Dirty Sanchez

    What’s the big deal? I have the same tattoo.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Senor Sanchez… Promise us one thing: Your next team plays on real grass. That way, you’ll be able to live up to your nickname!

  • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

    For the record, I didn’t fall asleep. As you all know here, I am full of it and as a result it takes a while to get it all out of you system.

    • AngryWard

      That’s good enough for me. I think you’ve acquitted yourself quite nicely.

  • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

    In other news Jodie Foster kinda comes out and the rest of the world kinda couldn’t give a frog since she long since stopped being hot. The hot brunette from House got engaged to some dew-sche guy from SNL. Finally rapper Shawty-Lo’s show “All my babies mamas” about him and his 11 kids from 10 different women has been cancelled by Oxygen before it starts.

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      Didn’t everyone already know she was gay? … like.. forever ago?

      • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

        It was kind of like when Navratilova came out. You just turned the page to read the weather!! I will have the same reaction when the next effeminate MC of some crap reality show comes out.

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    I’m truly shocked that when the ‘Anyone on the Arizona Cardinals’ went up to accept the ‘Worst QB’ award, Matt Leinart didn’t run up screaming hysterically. Maybe his job as ESPN NFL coordinator has made him forget it all. Who knows.

    Speaking of sports commentators, Angry Ward.. what’s up with Joe Buck not being mentioned in ‘Worst Sports Commentators.’ Sure, it’s a category that could be bursting at the seams with nominees, but Buck makes that list, easy. Actually he WINS it in my book.

    While I was bummed not to have those you mentioned also at the MTM Day at the Ponies, I’d like to harken back to the 2011 (or was that 2010, which occurred in 2011) MTM Holiday Party. A one, Sam’s-A-FAn wins for ‘Best Sharing of Bourbon in a Flask.’ Bravo Sam.. BRA-VO.

    • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

      I thought Joe Buck had a lifetime achievement award for horrid sports commentary

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Good point Blaber. I must’ve missed it.. and i’m actually glad i did. The sound of him making an acceptance speech would make me cringe too.

      • DannyBax

        I don’t understand why everyone hates Joe Buck. He calls a good game.

        • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

          DannyBax: Joe Buck is the Jeff Wilpon or George W. Bush of broadcasting. Probably a nice guy but we have predisposition to dislike Daddy’s Boys. Especially when they are full of themselves, pompous, wordy and douchey.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      It really is an honor to be mentioned and the work is a reward unto itself, I’d like to thank Coach Shula, G-d and my mom (no wait, that’s something I once heard Miami Dolphin’s linebacker A.J. Duhe say in a post game comment, in that order), no I’d really like to thank all the fine folks down in Kentucky who made it possible, and Short Matt, who I knew wouldn’t splurge for the 23 year old Pappy’s, who made it necessary. I’d like to thank Marlon Brando and Vanessa Redgrave who taught me that an acceptance speech needn’t be boring and I’d like to thank all the little people (again Short Matt) for whom we do this. If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as if our hard work ain’t been in vain for nothin’! (no wait, that’s Lina Lamont in “Singin’ in the Rain”) Sorry, I’m still very frazzled as I haven’t been able to think straight since Cookie shushed me last week. Anyway, it’s okay as I see the red light blinking and the music is coming up. Thank you, thank you! You like me, you really really like me….

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Humph.

      • AngryWard

        It’s about time we had a Lina Lamont “Singin’ in the Rain” reference here. Poor Lina never had a chance once the talkies arrived. Well done, Sam. If this doesn’t finally get Debbie Reynolds to visit the site, nothing will.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Oh we like you Sam. Now.. ‘Shhhhh!’

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    So in my book.. there’s NO ONE left to root for in the NFL at this point in the season.

    Thus, I’m just voting for some more bad lip reading.

    http://youtu.be/Zce-QT7MGSE

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Cookie: Haven’t laughed this loud since Tall Matt caught “Bob & The Boys” in his zipper.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Glad you clicked on it Short Matt. I watched it twice. I might be ready for a third time. Seriously people.. if you click on ANYTHING today… it’s that football link. TRUST me.

        • AngryWard

          I just did. Pretty funny.

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    Short Matt could have been nominated individually for Sports Endorsement while in the Ensemble Cast with a pair of cargo shorts and the TJMax or Marshalls price tag still attached. Speaking of, did you return said shorts the following day Short Matt?
    Ward, no mention of the Keyhole Beer Contest between Diff and Cam?

    • AngryWard

      The Great Matts Shotgun Showdown! You’re right, that was a classy way to end the day.

      • Cam_James

        i want a recount….

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      All tagged MTM Wardrobe was indeed returned that day, Cheese Man. A smart shopper would go to the store with us and buy that merchandise at a discount!

  • Mrs. Matt

    When was this Belmont trip and why wasn’t I invited? Harrumph. Go Ravens!

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      You were invited. You and Tall Matt were “busy” with Trivia.

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    A-Dubya: Outstanding and timely piece. This has been a solid week – we’re actually in tune with current events and nearly look like a grown-ups sports site! To that end, we’ve uploaded a new Cover Photo on Facebook. Here it is…

  • Diff

    The City Lights and Ray Lewis DNA lines had me rolling, AW.

    That trip to Belmont will live in infamy.

    DIE, BETTMAN, DIE!!!

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    The first weekend of summer is June 22 & 23. The 2ND ANNUAL MTM BELMONT TOUR will be on one of these dates.

  • Mr. Cub

    what better place to snuggle down for a little nigh-nigh than atop the crapper at Belmont?

    • AngryWard

      To paraphrase Ernie Banks: Let’s take two… craps. Actually, most degenerate gamblers do their best thinking on the throne. Just ask Cheesy Bruin.

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts
    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      He had a ‘Diff’rent Stroke.’

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Too soon?!

        • AngryWard

          Whatchoo talkin’ bout Matts?

      • Grote2Dmax

        That’s gold Cookie.

  • WestCoastCraig

    These globes are golden. Have they unveiled the peanut butter cheerios back there yet? I think a whole column could be devoted to cereal based (Honey) Smack downs.

  • Grote2Dmax

    I feel like a winner for missing MtM Belmont Day.

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