Author Archive for Angry Ward

Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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Angry Ward Wednesday: The New York Giants Suck… But then, so Does Most of the NFL

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NEW YORK, NY – I watched enough of the Giants/Lions game Monday night to know that I was glad that I didn’t watch ALL of the Giants/Lions game on Monday night. To put it bluntly, the New York Football Giants, as constructed by Jerry Reese and coached by Ben McAdoo, suck. We’ll get into those specifics […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: Starve Zeke Elliott, Don’t Hang Out in Hurricanes, and Stop Thursday Night Football Before it Kills

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NEW YORK, NY – Another Wednesday is upon us, which means it’s time for me to write whatever I damn please. Between celebrating an anniversary and basically looking at life through rugby goggles for the past two years, it’s not like management will care, or even notice, anyway. I could post crumb cake recipes or […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: Gridiron Soylent Green, NFL Week 1 Takeaways for Stupid NFL Fans

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NEW YORK, NY – Tomorrow marks the start of another NFL season. Finally, the year-round hype can end and, instead, we can all fall all over each other gobbling up endless recaps, injury reports, power rankings, and all manner of useless analysis. It’s f**king mind-numbing, but we are too far gone to turn away. With that […]

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Angry Ward: Paul O’Neill, Detroit Lions, David Wright and Other Sports Stuff

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BRONX, NY – Last week I did what I could to convince you all to stop watching sports. But we all know, that is a losing battle. At its absolute best (which isn’t all that often, these days) sports elevates us above the human condition, and maybe even wins us some money. When it’s mediocre and […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: Don’t Watch Sports!

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BRONX, NY – I’m back from vacation. On Monday I stared right down the barrel of that solar eclipse, sans viewing specs, and was rewarded with super powers beyond my wildest dreams. For starters, I am now completely impervious to late-night texts from Short Matt asking me to edit someone’s column and telling me how much […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: Aaron Judge, Matt Harvey and other MLBers Needing Real Nicknames

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PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL – I’m on friggin’ vacation and there’s been a lot going on, almost none of it good. You know the storylines, so I won’t bother rehashing them. All I know is, I have no intention of dying south of the Mason/Dixon line. THAT. IS. OUT. I think 75% of the reason that […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: Let’s Just Get Rid of the New York Jets

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BRONX, NY – As we head down the summer homestretch, and the Mets continue to take it lying down (and in every other position) like a resigned/disinterested lover (The New York Melanias?), I turn my considerable vitriol towards that festering sack of hippo sh!t known as the New York Jets. Before we get into it, I’d […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: Trades Destinations, CTE, Tim Tebow and… um… CTE?

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BRONX, NY –  Hey, everyone! Whaddaya say? Let’s get on out there and make today the best Wednesday August 2nd it can possibly be! Barring that, let’s waste some time at work reading and (hopefully) commenting on yet another Pulitzer-worthy “effort” in the category of “Not-for-Profit Pundit.” And awayyyyy we go! MLB Trading Deadline. On […]

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Saturday Night Ward: Last-Second Sports Trash from the Bronx

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BRONX, NY- Looks like no one wanted to post today. We simply can’t have that on MTM. We’re a lot of things here–unemployable, permanently disabled, pretty much all alcoholics–but we are not slackers. Here goes nuthin’… and I mean, nuthin’! Gardy Party. Brett Gardner won another game for the Yankees today and Bronx Bomber fans threw up […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: Damn Yankees, Wicked Jerry Jones, and Happy Birthday to Mrs. Angry

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BRONX, NY – Happy Birthday to my lovely wife, who probably won’t read this because she’s got better, more fulfilling things to do on her special day. She moved to New York City to pursue acting and ended up marrying a guy who pursued a career in make-believe sports writing. To her great credit, she’s stayed […]

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