Tag: David Wright

Let’s Go, Mets Go! Not This Year. Plus More on A-Rod & J-Lo

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BRIGANTINE, NJ – When your as idle as I am, I’m not sure using the word vacation is applicable, but that’s what I’m doing with my best girl and her crazy Irish family here in this quaint New Jersey ocean town. Sipping on beer, soaking up sun and listening to crashing waves is on the […]

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Yankees Will Lose Because of Joe Biden. Plus: Goose Gossage, Tim Tebow, Mets

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NOTE: The Coronavirus is NOT something Mets fans have been suffering with, like Bell’s Palsy, for all but two year years of the team’s existence. CORONA [QUEENS], NY – The planets are all aligning, Ladies and Germs. (Too soon for Coronavirus jokes?) Further, via Scientific Method we are able to predict/hypothesize with 93.6% accuracy the […]

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Spring Training Angst?! POTUS Bellinger, Apologetic Mets

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PORT ST. LUCIE, FL – The rose pedals are still on the satin sheets. The half-eaten box of chocolates lies open on the coffee table. Two empty bottles of red wine are on the nightstand. We all know what day it is… it’s Spring Training Saturday! Whoooeeee! But wait. There is an uncharacteristic gloom, a […]

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Replacement Matt: Beltran Out. Cora Ejected. Here Are Replacements

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FLUSHING, TOILET – Well lookie here, the New York Metropolitans have succumbed to pressure and agreed to [Almost] Manager Carlos Beltran stepping down in the wake of the Houston cheating scandal. Who knew? The court of public opinion is stronger than the Wilpon’s purse strings apparently. Are they actually going to pay three managers at […]

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Replacement Matt Friday: Sh*tty Start To NFL Season, Mets Fans Stages of Met Grief

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EYE OF HURRICANE, ATLANTIC OCEAN – Hey Kids! Ya miss me? I’m back with another edition of stuff for my massive fanbase and readership. It’s getting so huge I think I’m on the verge of being an influencer and will have companies hurling tons of free sh– my way. Time for the endorsement train to […]

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Blockbuster Blackout MLB Trades You May Not Know Of

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NEW YORK, NY – For those of you just stirring from a coma or hiding in a fallout shelter, there was a Big Apple blackout last night. And boy did things get a little crazy. Many were doing their best Snake Plissken impersonation, as traffic signals made any Escape From New York simultaneously necessary, yet […]

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Major League Baseball Second Half Starts With Trades Looming

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“This could be the end of the Mets core pitching staff …” –Different Matt NEW YORK, NY – With the All-Star Game in the rear-view mirror, most of baseball will begin their trudge towards the finish line today, as the second half of the season gets underway. The Yankees and Mets went into the break […]

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Major League Pitching Problems, London MLB Flop

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BLOOMINGBURG, NY – The NFL season can’t get here fast enough for me since all I’m left with to watch on television is baseball. This modern version of the American pastime is really somewhat irritating and is nothing like the game I grew up on. The London series (where baseball doesn’t belong) between the Yankees […]

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Big Ben: Die Hard Proves NHL Superior to MLB

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STAMFORD, CT – As superfan Laila kissed the Cup during the Blues’ championship celebration, a tear rolled down my face. This was the first tear I’ve shed since I was six, when my dog Dozer was hit by a car. It was a heartwarming moment. (Laila, not Dozer.) As we move past eventful NBA and […]

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Angry Ward Wednesday: No LeBron, No Tiger, No Problem – Sports Addition By Subtraction

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BRONX, NY – Monday night the Golden State Warriors finished off a sweep of the Portland Trailblazers without the help of Kevin Durant, who is arguably one of the three best players in the game, if not THE best. Anyway, leading up to the sweep, and in its aftermath, sports dopes like Chis Broussard and Stephen […]

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