MILAN, ITALY – Cookie here and The Matts have jetted me off to Milan to get a jump on next season’s fashions. Unfortunately, no one told them it was a bit late, but I decided to go anyway because the closest I get to Italian anything these days is Chef Boyardee.
My fashion assignment got me to thinking, we need to address some egregious and outrageous sports related fashion wrongs that have endured longer than Joe Namath’s drinking problem. I’ve seen ALL of these offenses, and likely you have as well. Please, do me a favor and do your part to stamp out the fashion crimes.
SUMMERTIME KNIT CAP: You’ve seen it and 99.9% of the time, a guy perpetrates it. A knit cap in summertime. These guys should take a page out of The Matts’ book and embrace the bald (or the going bald)… it’s beautiful. The knit cap is fooling NO ONE. Aside from that, when you take that bad boy off, no one wants to be near your funk…even if they can relate to whatever sports logo you’ve got smacked on your sweaty forehead. Ewww.
FACE PAINTING: Really?!? Must I review this one? It looks STUPID (pronounce it ‘STOOOOOPID’ for full effect please). As the picture yesterday showed.. it makes your dental flaws more prominent at the very least. While we’re at it, if you’re going to spend the $100 on bringing your kid to the game in that hat and team shirt, that means you expect them to take the sport SERIOUSLY. No face paint…no cotton candy, no chemistry defying Dippin’ Dots in a mini-batting helmet. Sit the FROG down and get to teaching the runts how to record the box scores.
BODY PAINTING: Another that should not have to be reviewed. Stupid. STOOOOOOPID!!! And if you’re going to make yourself the human ‘O’ in ‘GO ‘INSERT TEAM NAME HERE’, the roundness of that letter is not doing your finely crafted, rotund beer belly ANY favors. Triple word score stupid points for doing this at a football game when it’s below FREEZING because frostbite on the nipples must be FAAAAABULOUS! This dumb sports fashion move is NOT going to get you on the Fox NFL broadcast because Joe Buck only has eyes for Troy Aikman. (Chicks can only get away with it as follows… and not in public.. of course):
World Cup is comin’… (You’re welcome Junior Blaber).
LEAVING THE TAG ON YOUR SPORTS PARAPHERNALIA: The tag enhances the appearance of the baseball hat with fraudulently flat brim perched WAY dumb-ass high and/or askew on your head?!? Honest Abe…if you PAID for it…take the damn TAG off. Oh wait a minute…forget it.
BLACK AS A COLOR FOR ANY TEAM PLAYING IN THE SUMMER AND/OR A WARM CLIMATE: I’m looking at YOU New York Metropolitans. The color black attracts heat…didn’t you learn that in grade school science class?!? Nothing like going out west for a field trip (or even over to Yankee Stadium in August) to sweat something FIERCE as the black uniforms suck in the sun. Then again, maybe the sweat makes fans think Beltran actually digs out a base hit. Eh…forget I mentioned it. All Blacks Rule’s New Zealand All Blacks get a pass because rugby players are just plain CRAZY anyway. Silly Kiwis!!
CHICK SPORTS CRAP: I’m a chick. I like sports. But do we need to make a hat pink? Do we need to BEDAZZLE a team logo? Do I need to wear a team SCRUNCHY in my hair?!? (Time Warp Tony will appreciate that the scrunchy accessory has endured three plus decades.) And who needs Yankee Panties besides Yankee Joe? Don’t get me wrong, I like the occasional more female form fitting team t-shirt, but lets keep the colors classic and free of other frilly adornments.
This look even beats the sports vest… honest.
MR. “I’M GETTING MARRIED AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE TEAM” GUY: Congrats. You found someone to marry you and your allegiance to your team. Excellent. MUST you wear a pair of suspenders or (worse) a VEST under your tuxedo that is riddled with your team logo? Guy. Guy. Come ON guy. Do you think that when Tony Romo finally gets to the alter with whatever bible thumping chick o’ the month, he’ll be wearing a COWBOYS VEST?!? Come on guy. Chances are everyone who you care about at your wedding knows the team you’re rabid about. Do the future Mrs. a favor…save the hideous vest for a poker game or for your fat-ass, breathing challenged bulldog to wear at Halloween. At best, win the fight over the Groomsman Cake and have that be all sports stupid.
And with that, I am sure I’ve offended someone here with that last vest/suspenders fashion bit. Personally, I’ve seen that crap twice at weddings I’ve been to. Bets are open on who it is. Sam’s-A-Fan will be the book and will dictate as to whether or not you should box any exotics.
Me? I gotta jet, kiddies. I need to pick up my weekend-best from the cleaners… Or at least a few cans of paint.
Oh, and here’s more from Chef Boyardee: