Everything You Wanted To Know About Yesterday’s NFL Games* (But Were Afraid To Ask)

It can’t be easy to make an NFL schedule from year to year; to anticipate the good teams and work in the rivalries and come up with gimmicky twists that allow two coaches who are brothers to face each other on Thanksgiving.  Still, this season’s schedule has seemed particularly ill-thought out…and yesterday’s tilt, with a number of marquee teams on bye, was perhaps the biggest dog yet, with only two games featuring teams both above .500.

Frankly, I was much more interested in the Woody Allen PBS Documentary last night, and thus now can look back at yesterday’s action through the prism of some big black framed glasses.

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN: Or, in Chris Johnson’s case, Take the Money & Don’t Run.  CJ2K not only has a nonsense nickname, he gained a whopping 13 yards on 12 carries in the Titan’s loss to the Falcons, and was out-rushed by Matt Hasselbeck.
Falcons’ Lineman #1: Does this say “ball” or “doll?”
Falcons’ Lineman #2: Its says “ball,” but what does “abt” mean?
CJ2K: It says “act,” a-c-t.  “Act natural, let me run with the ball.”
Falcons’ Lineman #1: Oh, I see, are you a running back?  You’ll have to get this form signed by our branch manager.”

WHAT’S UP TIGER LILY?:  Before last week, the Bengals were all about What’s New, Pussycat…perhaps a new team to be reckoned with in the AFC North.  Consecutive, if hard fought, losses to the Steelers and Ravens have left them looking for a new egg salad recipe.

STARDUST MEMORIES:  After being the season’s first half darlings, the Buffalo Bills are stuck in an existential crises and will undoubtedly end up in Jazz Heaven soon. Their fans are bewildered at this strange turn towards serious drama, and prefer their earlier, funnier games.

PLAY IT AGAIN SAM:  Were the Rams actually favored in this game?  Sam Bradford wished he had Humphrey Bogart in the pocket with him to give a little warning about the five sacks he took and the two fumbles he coughed up.

Bogie & Bradford

CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS:   While Philip Rivers’ play this season has been a crime, Jay Cutler’s thumb has learned “If it bends it’s funny.  If it breaks, you’re out for the rest of what was the best season of your career.

BANANAS:  After the 49ers won their eighth straight game to all but lock up the NFC West, it appears that power has driven new coach Jim Harbaugh mad.  He announced in the lockerroom that the official team language is now Swedish.  Silence!  In addition to that, all players are required to change their underwear every half hour.  Underwear will be worn on the outside, so we can check.  All players under 16 years old are now…16 years old.

OEDIPUS WRECKS:  “Wrecks” Grossman gets his old starting job back and almost leads the Redskins to a rare win over the rival Cowboys (if this game counts as a rivalry anymore), but the image of his mother’s giant head in the sky knocked Graham Gano’s OT field goal try wide right, and the Redskins still stink.

SLEEPER:  NBC had hoped that the Giants-Eagles game could’ve been Bullets Over Broadway, but the game made me feel like I had been asleep for the last 200 years.  Now where can I find an Orgasmatron?

Share Button
About West Coast Craig 226 Articles
West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.