New York, NY – What a strange week it’s been. Most peoples’ brackets are completely busted. Peyton Manning gets a mile high. And Tim Tebow is now green in the face. The mutinous Knicks are unbeatable since getting their coach fired. The Rangers are still in first place… barely. The Mets still suck and are $162 million lighter in the wallet. That’s a million bucks for every game this season if you’re keeping track. Not including the presumed hush-money the team is paying Bobby Bonilla. Lets take a closer look at what’s been going on in this crazy sports week.
Unlike millions of retirees, Peyton Manning decided that South Florida wasn’t a great place for old men. So he’s heading for a place where the beer flows like wine. A place where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. No, not Aspen. Denver. After seeing Peyton Manning in every commercial since 2007, John Elway and the Broncos decided that God wasn’t going to take them to a Super Bowl and that an aging, immobile quarterback with serious health concerns should be the new face of the organization. Now Peyton will spend the next few years getting used to the thin air and trying to match his little brother’s Super Bowl achievements.
Picking up Manning made Tim “The Chosen One” Tebow surplus to requirements for Cookie’s Horsies. Immediately the Jets swooped in and traded for Tebow. Now God’s stepson will join Rex “Cthulhu” Ryan’s offense. It remains to be seen how The-Thing-That-Should-Not-Be will use Tebow. It seems like a strange move for the Jets if Tim-Sanity is only going to take 7 snaps per game in some wildcat formation. Or if the Jets may have traded for Tebow to light a fire under Mark Sanchez’s ass. Or if the Jets thought that two average quarterbacks would combine to make one good qb? Or it could all be a big publicity stunt to sell jerseys and put a few more behinds in the seats. It may actually be a mixture of all of the above.
The one thing you can be certain of is that the Jets will be in the news at every turn. Every incomplete pass will be met with calls from fickle Jets fans for a change in quarterback. Tebow lovers and Sanchez haters will be clamoring for the Jets to put their faith in Jesus. Only for everyone to make an about-face once they realize that Tebow sucks. Whatever happens with Gang Green next season, it will be interesting.
Over in Mets-land, the powers that be settled a lawsuit that has them paying $162 million to Bernie Madoff’s victims (Bernie’s Burnees?). While the sum seems like a lot, it could have been much worse for the Amazin’s if the case wasn’t settled. On the field, the Mets are set to fight for the wooden spoon in the NL East again. Strange injuries abound for the Island of Misfit Mets, as Angry Ward named them. It looks to get worse before it gets better in Queens. But it makes for some entertaining viewing for those not vested in trying to support the team.
Apparently there’s some college basketball thing happening now. Alas, I’m over my word count and I don’t care about it so I’m not getting into that now. But make sure you all get into The Public Professor tomorrow.