FORT WORTH, TX – Please bear with us… Dr. Diz is M.I.A. this morning and while our search party is/was looking for him – and his column – we put on his scrubs and came up some with Cures For The Mets, Jets & Nets…
N.Y. Mets: You built a new stadium, have a cash-cow of a cable network and countless fans dopey enough (us included) to fill your stadium. Now look in the mirror and repeat the following 1000 times: “We are not broke!” Once you come to terms with that, sign R.A. Dickey, stop the Jonathan Niese trade-talk and pick up a stud to protect “The New Franchise” – David Wright in the lineup. Otherwise, you’re just Flushing $122 million down the CitiField terlets. Also, act like big boys and put the “C” on The New Franchise’s jersey. Give us dopes something to talk about. Oh, and put our logo on your jackets.
N.Y. Jets: There isn’t a lot that can be done with a team that plays in another team’s football stadium. Call Friedrich Air-conditioner Stadium whatever you want, but it’s Giants Stadium. There is no winning football in your foreseeable future with any ties, whatsoever, with Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow – unless they are doing sideline reporting for Jets Nation on that cash-cow SNY. They are a two-headed mess under center and need to be exorcised pronto… And can anyone really take this franchise seriously with an owner named Woody Johnson and faux-fatty coach with a foot fetish? No. Here’s the fix: Fire Tannenbaum, Ryan, Sanchez and Tebow and give Bill Cowher boatloads of Jet green to come in and fix this M-E-S-S.
Brooklyn Nets: Okay, they’ve done some nice things in the off-season. Moving to Brooklyn was the smartest thing a franchise has done in sports since the Orioles built Camden Yards. And we love the 6’8″ Russian owner with the yellow chompers. But Jay-Z is NOT a tough guy. He’s Steve Urkel with a record deal and HOT wife. His real name is Shawn Corey Carter, for cripe’s sakes! So stop with the gangster/hip-hop black and white lame uniforms and bring some FUN into the uniforms. In fact, go retro to the first Nets uniform. The one that the real man with a “J” in his name wore – Dr. J.
Cheesy Bruin, tomorrow.
*“C” edited in by Rich Macleod on Tumblr.