ATLANTA, GA – First, some introductions may be in order; I’m Preacher and excited to share some wholly (not to be confused with holy) opinionated views until such time as my Editor-in-Chief decides to pull the plug, cancel my bonus-laden contract (I get like $5 for every comment, right?!) and/or excommunicate me forever from sports writing. And though I am “Preacher,” don’t worry: I’m not a real one, so don’t bother hiding the booze, babes, or extracurricular paraphernalia. Heck, in past times I would have probably joined you… At the very least, keep the babes handy, I’m still single. That, plus what you’ll eventually get to in this my-opic, has me Feeling Chipper About The ’13 Season…
Niceties over, let’s dive into what I hope will be a fantastic and visionary rant about this year’s MLB (drug-free) season. Scratch that, we all know that wherever there’s intense competition, big bucks on the line, bevies of nubile cheering nymphs in the stands and deep-seeded insecurity, there’s fertile ground for PEDs to flourish. No, Cam James… I’m not talking about table tennis (Ping Pong, or Beer Pong – as its known in more seedy establishments). But truth be told I was recently whipped up on at Ping Pong by a very small Asian girl from my church. Should’ve tested her; no one can move that fast except in a Matrix movie… Besides, I take my own cocktail of vitamins every day for many of those same reasons, so who’s judging whom?!
Okay… Exhaling.
With Opening Day just a couple of weeks away, let’s make a prediction: Braves to win it all. I was born in Atlanta (only a few years back) and watched the Braves games in the ’80s with my grandpa. So I stand by my tribe (I can say that word proudly being 1/16th Cherokee Indian). I miss ole Chief Noc-A-Homa and his home run dance after a Dale Murphy bomber. Curses to the Legion of Doom, a.k.a Baseball Writer’s Association of America, for denying the Murph’ entry into the Hall of Fame! He was undoubtedly one of the best sluggers of the ’80s and cleanest-living athletes of his time. Keep signin’ away Dale!
Another Braves Slugger has popped up on the rumor mill – Chipper Jones, thanks to desperate twit… I mean Tweeter… Brian Cashman of the Shankees. Sorry, Yankees. With A-Ro(i)d questionable now, this could be the time for Larry (yeah, no wonder he goes by Chipper) to recover some dignity after the dismal showing (1 for 5; and a huge throwing error) in his last game of the playoffs last year against the Cam James‘ Cards. Who really wants to end a career like that anyway? It’s like having a great date and then just shaking hands at the end of the night. And with a career BA of .303 and HR’s at 468, why not go for it and shoot for getting into the 500 club? It also may be the Wright move to look at the Mets too since Dave (can I call him that casually?) just injured his ribs and was pulled out of the World Baseball Classic with a bad back. Bad blood aside, Chipper Jones is already very familiar with hitting into CitiField’s left field bleacher seats.
We’ll just have to see if he’s Feeling Chipper About The ’13 Season.
Cheesy Bruin, tomorrow… Until next week, Preacher out.
