FT. McHENRY, MA – The day after Independence Day is supposed to be an-off day. You know, part of a 3-day weekend. But when it falls midweek, companies don’t automatically give the ensuing day off. MeetTheMatts.com is one of those companies. Yet, certain rogue/rouge writers, Cookie and Different Matt, decided the day is theirs; not yours/ours. And what does one do when they don’t want to work? They call in “sick.” And quite frankly, after all the *whatnot those two likely engaged in, their work would have been shoddy at best today. To that end, here are some Players That Should Call In Sick:
Daniel Murphy: If any of you endured the 16-inning roller-coaster ride that was the Mets vs Diamondbacks yesterday (AZCrazy/AZfla are you out there?), you’d have seen your share of in-game fireworks and witnessed Daniel Murphy lallygag and mope. Yesterday was the culmination of 4-5 days of this, which has us convinced he should get checked for Lyme Disease. Or be sent to the bench. Something has switched off in the usually high-energy, baseball-smart Murph. Dare we say he’s come down with Cano-itis? No, we won’t. Robinson Cano is NOT a .273 singles hitter with average defense… Aside from taking his good sweet time to get to baseballs and making his throws way too close – giving every Mets pitcher, fan and coach an unnecessary spike in their blood pressure – Danny Baseball didn’t run on a pop up to 2nd base, which but for the brain-fart of the D’back’s Aaron Hill, should have been one of those let-the-ball-drop-and-get-two double plays. Murphy was also 0-5 with 12 first-pitch pop-ups (we’re exaggerating because Gary Cohen said of Murph, “He’s swinging at a lot of first pitches today.“) This was in the pouting/yawning Murphy’s 3rd at bat. You do the math… Bottom line: Murphy needs an attitude adjustment. But as Fake Sandy Alderson will tell you, Terry Collins won’t be doing any adjusting; apparently a puppet.
Mark Sanchez: Unlike Murphy, we’ve been saying that The Snatchize should call in sick every day… Every. Day. Or at the very least, he should be at Camp Cromartie… as comic relief. Why? Because he’s awful. We’ve been saying he was awful from his first pro snatch… er, snap… and even the novenas by Johnny Rox won’t help change that. Cut. Him. Now.
Manny Ramirez: This one we’re conflicted on because of the treasure trove of material The Manny’s comeback will provide our stellar staff. So, how about a compromise? How’s about Manny just calls in sick when the drug tests are being implemented? We’ll get that unemployed kid Ed “Ken Linseman” Snowden to be his Paul Revere. [Side note: Isn’t it ironic that Snowden is “snowed-in in Russia?]
Anyway, speaking of Paul Revere, here’s one guy who we’re happy didn’t call in sick:
John Adams: In the vein of Independence Day and all that, we look to the one guy we all owe it to for NOT calling in sick – short of when he had Smallpox and when fell off his horse at the age of 86 – John Adams. Arguably the man most responsible for the USA’s success and prosperity – and if you don’t think we’re prosperous go spend some time in Eastern Europe, Russia, Central America or 90% of Asia – J-Ads had this to say about the 4th of July:
“It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.”
Thank you, John. We’re doing all of that and more.
Preacher Collins, who has a Ricky Henderson-like affinity for speaking in The Third Person, tomorrow.
P.s… The day after the 4th should always be a holiday, just like Super Bowl Sunday, should be a Saturday.
*Junoir Blaber’s go-to word.