Retirement Friday: Antonio Brown, Phillip Rivers, Richie Icognito. PLUS Eli’s Future

DENVER, CO – It’s Friday. For some ludicrous reason people in our country seem to like Friday more than any other day of the week. I prefer Saturday as you didn’t have to go to work and you also don’t have to wake up the next day.

Cam James and fellow Die Hard St Louis  fans.

Whether it be Friday or Saturday. what if today was just, well… a day? That is what unemployment/retirement is… and it’s BEAUTIFUL.

I recently started a new job but before that I was living the funemployment lifestyle for a couple months. Oh, the things you can do when a day is just a day! I got married. Gut-renovated my kitchen and started restoring a near-barn-find 1987 Alfa Romeo Spider. The first thing I’ll never forget. The second thing my back can’t wait to forget and the third thing my wife can’t wait to get rid of. All in all, not working is the most productive I have been in years.

My short taste of the good life. I can’t help but imagine what it must be like to actually be retired at an incredibly young age, as I watch Phillip Rivers try to throw himself into retirement this evening.

Phillip’s retirement is probably pretty mundane. He will go to all 27 of his kids’ high school graduations, call a few games with Dan Fouts wherein they argue over who was better at not being good enough and eventually they will build a statue of him somewhere near the Embarcadero for future children of San Diego to ask their parents why there is a statue of a football player in a town without a team.

That being said, for every Boring Betty like Rivers there has to be a Doc Gooden equivalent… or four. So, if in the next three months to twenty years any of the following hypothesis comes true you heard it here first from a guy who has been making less ridiculous claims about his Sasquatch experiences.

Antonio Brown will go back to college and get a phd/JD. It will be stripped from him after he is found to be having an inappropriate relationship with a student. This will spark a PR nightmare causing a disappearance from public life which ultimately results in AB writing a best-selling introspecting memoir that allows him to return to life taking over for Judge Joe Brown. Judge AB never…. never… drops a gavel. He does, however, get the case against him dropped by his coed squeeze when his PI finds her hanging out with Big Ben.

Mickey Callaway’s retirement is best summed up by the end of “Old Yeller” without the love driven guilt.

Eli Manning gets caught hanging out with Richie Incognito – in a not so incognito way. The perpetual poster-boy having his goal line crossed by the league’s most infamous racist in a leaked video serves to ruin the reputation of Manning, who awkwardly denies the affair. Meanwhile, Richie embraces the public outing of his true self and turns into a LGBTQ activist. Manning, without Nationwide on his side, moves back to Louisiana and eventually dies alone from exposure while attempting to conjure voodoo spirits on the roof of a bodega. The post-mortem memes are all unforgiving puns about the pitcher who switched to catcher.

Brad Marschand gets shivved at a bar while while showing his stupid tat from 2011. After he dies, the city of Boston has all the Dunkin Donuts fly their wavy coffee banners at half spring. Meanwhile, the rest of the USA forgets who he was as they read the headline on their phone while taking their morning deuce. In Canada, the populous has been waiting for this day for years.

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Short Matt’s retirement. Well, it hasn’t come early or I wouldn’t be writing this.

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About Cam James 126 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.