Merry Ward Wednesday: Burning Down the House

Hold tight, wait till the party’s over
Hold tight, We’re in for nasty weather
There has got to be a way
Burning down the house!

BRONX, NY – Merry Christmas to all! OK, now that we got that out of the way, let’s trash everything.

The Mets signed Dellin Betances, which pretty much guarantees that he will suck. If you disagree, you were clearly not a history major.

The Jets and Giants are going to suck until further notice.

Kirk Cousins is absolute garbage and will cost Mike Zimmer his job. The Vikings will win the Super Bowl only when they successfully draft a starting QB, instead of dumpster diving for castoffs from other teams.

The Knicks... let’s not even.

Christmas Dinner. If you are making turkey once again, you lack imagination. The last few years I’ve done steaks. This year, a pork roast. We’ll see how that goes. If it blows up in my face, Popeye’s chicken sandwiches for all and for all a good night.

MTM Holiday Party. We should do this thing soon and at Bourbon Street, which is the only place where we ever had any fun. Sam’s-a-Fan needs to be included, as does JG Clancy, Ben Whitney and Dude.

Heineken is maybe the worst beer ever. Sorry, JGC. But Heineken Light, is not half bad.

Gerrit Cole will not win 20 games this year. Book it.

OK, I’m already ready to settle down for a long winter’s nap. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose Eagles are sure to sh!t the bed against the Giants this weekend.

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About Angry Ward 600 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.