[Ed. Note: Today’s post seems like a must-win, and with Angry Ward’s recent efforts landing with all the consistency of Chris Dudley free throws, and with promising backup Affable Wayne a healthy scratch, our newest contributor acquisition is next man up. Please welcome, ***Adam Gase.]
NEW YORK, NY – Yeah, baby! I’m back!!! Actually I never left. I can’t find my way out of this town. It’s too big! I have trouble focusing. What can I say? But, look at me, I already got a new gig here at this exciting site. Take that, Woody Johnson! You may have forgotten, but I’m something of an offensive genius, quarterback whisperer (had some restraining orders on this one), and all-around football knower. So let me give you some deep Secret Squirrel-type insights on the upcoming playoffs.
Colts at Bills. I have a lot of experience with these two teams, as the Bills made us 0-1 and then the Colts made us 0-3 and then the Bills made us 0-7. So I give Buffalo a slight edge here because I watched them beat us twice and am not even sure if I attended that Colts game. I missed one week getting an eye exam.
Rams at Seahawks. Every time I see Aaron Donald play I think of the sage advice I gave Sam Darnold when he told me he was seeing ghosts that night we were playing New England. I remember putting my hands on his shoulder pads and shrieking “Yikes! We better call the gang from Scooby Doo!” I’m not saying Aaron Donald is a ghost. He could just be some disgruntled former employee from an Amusement Park, as far as I know. Where was I? Oh, I think the huge crowd in Seattle will make all the difference, so I’m going with the Rams.
Buccaneers at Football Team. I like that Washington is now Football Team. I’m a guy who buys lots of generic groceries, and this Football Team nickname makes me want to buy even more generic groceries. But, I’m gonna go with the Bucs here simply because Bruce Arians looks a lot like my shady “Life Coach.” Might actually be the same guy. I have no idea.
Ravens at Titans. Now that I don’t have to watch game film every single day (BORING!) I can binge watch my favorite show, That’s So Raven. That’s my jam. Let’s move on to the next game.
Bears at Saints. The only way the Saints lose this game is if they come up with an amazing new way to lose a game that they should absolutely win. Never count Sean Payton out! Like me, he’s an innovator. If he can’t find a new way to lose, no one can. The short week might work against him so, I’m taking the Saints.
Browns at Steelers. Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski and a bunch of other coaches and players will be missing this game due to COVID-19. As I said to Gregg Williams after he called that all-out blitz against the Raiders that got him fired, “Uh oh, SpaghettiOs!” On the plus side for Cleveland, Steelers QB Big Ben Roethlisberger has found God and says words like “blessed” all the time. Tough call here but, after working for Woody Johnson, I’m gonna take it down a notch and pick Nick Chubb and the Browns.
BYES: Chiefs and Packers. What’s a bye?
Whew!, I’m exhausted. Much easier standing on a sideline for a few hours a week and collecting a whopping paycheck. I may need to rethink this career move.
And now this…
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who maybe played flanker for me last year.
***Not Really Adam Gase. This is a parody.