NEW YORK, NY – Greetings, sports enthusiasts! The season of giving (and taking) is upon us. Some of us couldn’t give a sh!t and others aren’t going to take any more of this crap. As always, like a dysfunctional Linus Van Pelt, the New York Mets are here to show us the true meaning of the holidays. They’re a special needs team in need of their own network special. Here are some of the highlights and special guests.
Noah Syndergaard. For those of you trapped in elevators yesterday, Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard has accepted a one-year $21 million deal to pitch for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of Los Angeles California. Just what LA needs, another blonde. Leaving the natural beauty of Flushing for LaLa Land must’ve been a gut-wrenching choice. Wishing him all the best but, if he craps out, he can always get a job at Disneyland playing Thor. I think Matt Harvey is still a Stormtrooper there.
Luis Rojas. The greatest gift one baseball team can give another is its former manager to be their new third base coach. However, because of supply chain shortages and soaring fuel prices, the Yankees had to shop local and accept Luis Rojas from the Mets. It will be Christmas in April in the Bronx, when the temps dip into low 50s/high 40s and Rojas comes out to the coaching box in his Ice Station Zebra gear. No one will know if he’s waving runners in or if his arms just can’t go down from wearing too many layers.
Billy Eppler. After being turned down by everyone this side of Matt McCarthy, the Mets finally went out and found a suitable (for them) pawn shop General Manager. Word is Steve Cohen traded an old Rolex and a John Stearns rookie card for Billy Eppler. Apparently Cohen and the Mets were silly for any GM named Billy. He once worked alongside Brian Cashman, so he clearly knows his way around bullsh!t artists and the ladies. But one has to wonder how he’ll like working with Sandy Alderson’s son.
Bryn Alderson. I’m not sure how I didn’t already know this but, Sandy Alderson’s son, Bryn (???), is both the Mets’ Director of Professional Scouting AND Assistant General Manager. Hoo boy. Cue the holiday music. “It’s beginning to look a lot like nepotism, everywhere you go…” The Billy and Bryn show should be on a streaming platform and spawn the hilarious catch phrase: “I’m gonna tell my Dad on you!” Can’t wait.
Mets New Manager. The team is still hoping to get its new manager via Secret Santa. Failing that, the job could very well wind up in Robinson Cano’s lap. Schlepping out lineup cards and strolling out for pitching changes requires just the level of hustle that Cano possesses. He’s under contract and coming back, you’ve got to find some use for him.
That’s enough for today. Buddy Diaz is on deck for tomorrow.
