BRONX, NY – The Super Bowl is this weekend, and I’m not all that excited. I mean, I guess I”ll pull for Seattle, but I care a whole lot more about that city’s baseball team winning a title than I do its stupid football team. I don’t really have a rooting interest here, and it’s kinda bothering me. I don’t even have one lousy SB Pool box in one of the myriad Irish pubs all over the damn place. This is disgraceful, but I’m not dumb enough to “solve it” by opening an online betting account. To clarify, I’m plenty dumb, but I’m not a complete idiot… no offense. So what’s an angry old man to do, as the final game of the NFL season approaches?
Accept a Super Bowl Gathering Invitation. Many times these things are called Super Bowl Parties, but most that I’ve attended over the years would mostly qualify as gatherings. And that’s just fine. When it comes to these, it’s always better to be the road team than the home team. Hosting is fine, if that’s your jam but, in my humble opinion, it’s a bit more fun being a guest. Bring weird-but-tasty snacks and good booze and you’ll be under MVP consideration. Help clean up and give a follow-up “thank you” text, call, note to the hosts the next day and you are MVP. Status: Mission Accomplished. I accepted an invite a mere two blocks from my place.
Wake Up and Get in a Super Bowl Pool, Moron! There’s still time… I think. The once-budding degenerate gambler I seemed on track to become, is now rolling over in his grave somewhere inside my brain. Don’t let this happen to you! Get some sweet action going on this game. Any action at all. Bet a friend if you have to. That’s how we used to do it in the old days. I think I may have a lead on a still-active Box Pool. Fingers crossed. Status: Incomplete. But, if I pull it off, I’m definitely getting numbers like 2 and 2 or 5 and 9. It’s tradition.
Text and/or Troll Friends During the Game. For those close friends who will not be at your SB gathering, there’s always texting. Sadly, this is what we have now.I’d rather be in the company of actual humans, but you gotta understand that the idea of people leaving their houses is going the way of the Dodo. That said, I’ve had some really funny exchanges throughout these playoffs. Status: 100% happening. My friends are all over the place and I think none of us care about these teams.
Eat a Ton of Food. I’d like to defer to my friend, and noted gourmand, JG Clancy for this one. I know for a fact there will be hot dogs, but what else? The people have a right to know!
Go to Bed the Minute the Game is Over. The only exception here is if your team is the winner. In that case, keep the good times rolling listening to every take from every moron on every channel. Everyone else? Say night-night.
Okay, I’m saying “all done” on this week’s effort… if you can call it that. Buddy Diaz should be back tomorrow with a surefire plan how the Knicks can land Giannis, but it involves the Yankees trading Aaron Judge to the Brewers. Can’t wait!
NOTE FROM MANAGEMENT: For those keeping score in the A.I. vs Man battle, here is the A.I. version of today’s man-made featured photo:
