TRENTON, NJ – It’s a new year and like we’ve heard time and again, “Out with the old and in with the new.” But because I am Cheesy, this cliché left me a different perspective of this beaten-to-death and droll saying… one with sports figures dripping with toilet water/humor. So, while might be furthest thing from fresh, here is a handy new guide to help label your old output. I’m hoping some of these will stay afloat:
The Bobby Thomson: A fart gone wrong in the presence of regular friends, all of whom are not there. Your shorts absorb what becomes better known in your circle of friends as “The Shart Heard ‘Round The World.”
An A-Rod: This Ass-rod, mocha-colored and such a handsome piece of stool, have gastroenterologists swoon over your specimen like a schoolgirl or Cameron Diaz.
The Peyton Manning: A deuce so loud it’s audible to the company you’re watching the game with.
A Barry Bonds: Gets bigger in size as it goes out, a sh!t holding on so long it breaks a record.
Ndomukang Poo: Comes out of the chute big, brown, dirty and roaring like a Lion. Often suspends from its exiting point.
Mariano Rivera: As regular as # out of the Yankees bullpen, this late day crap gives relief for a restful night’s sleep.
The Dave LaRoche: Named after the former MLB pitcher who had his own version of the Folly Floater called LaLob. Slow to develop, release, and reach porcelain, “LaBlob” floats to the surface stinking the bathroom and exterminates roaches.
A Messier: The captain of all piles is messier than most and paints the toilet as it vortexes the toilet bowl not to mention the skid marks on your Underoos.
A Rowdy Roddy Piper: A rogue Hot Rod that comes whistling out like the Pied Piper singeing the hair down there and leaves a burning hole in its wake.
The No-hitter: You know you pitched one in but when it comes to the paper work there’s no nothing left behind. No runs, no drips, no errors. Your walk to the throne prevents this one from being a perfect game.
The Academic: Islander and Met fans know this one all to well…the sh!t’s all over before you even get to sit on the commode.
The Biggest Loser: NFL Sundays and NHL playoff losses cause the diehard fan to lose three pounds per crap after your team loses.
A Planter’s Punch: A successful crap that fights its way out and hits the bowl in nut-like form. (see NY Yankees “Bronx Zoo” and Swingin’ A’s teams of the ‘70’s)
Tebowing On The toilet: Usually happens when your diet lacks necessary fiber. You sit and pray to a higher being for safe passage of stools.
El Duque: When it comes to heaving a Havana, think of the Cuban hurler as the healthy cigar shaped poo finds freedom in American (toilet) waters. Derived from the English word “dukie.”
That’s it for today… But before you flush me out of your system, I give you these nuggets to digest: Green Bay -19, Houston to Win and tomorrow… West Coast Craig +10.
