Everywhere At Once– Football and baseball are in the early stages of their annual collision, so let’s take a look at what’s gone on this weekend so far in our Sports Round Up:
I refuse to say “pre-season,” as if exhibition games are at all tied to the regular season. They’re not. NFL exhibition games are ongoing this weekend, and here’s what we’ve learned so far.
Maurice Jones-Drew is probably going to lose his contract battle with new Jaguars owner Shad Kahn, a guy who looks like a cross between Rollie Fingers and Al Sharpton. Though the biggest problem in Jacksonville is that Blaine Gabbert is still the QB. Yikes.
The Cleveland Browns meanwhile will probably open the season with a rookie QB who turns 29 in October. Brandon Wheeden’s so old he’s worried about Paul Ryan’s plans to privatize Medicare.
Did you know Paul Ryan wants to privatize Medicare? Yup. Thinks we should replace it with a voucher program. My only experience with voucher programs is trying to cash in those tickets you win from playing skeeball. How many times do I have to hit the inner ring to pay for my blood pressure medicine? I’m telling ya, we’re gonna have old people eating cat food before it’s all over. The American dream, y’all.
Speaking of the American dream, the Red Sox are imploding like nobody’s business, and anyone with a soul has to be happy about that. The team is so screwed up they’ve figured out how to make manager Bobby Valentine look like a rational guy. This under-performing mob of spoiled brats is demanding his ouster because, among other things, he had the gall to razz a rookie who made an error. Perish the thought. Just another example of how fully-guaranteed contracts have ruined baseball.
Boston’s season long dance with losing continued last night as the Yankees put up five solo-shots in a 6-4 victory. Derek Jeter hit the 250th of his career. For old farts like me, worried about Paul Ryan’s diabolical plan to make us play in lethal, rollerball-style skeeball tournaments, 250 dingers seems like a lot for a shortstop. Especially for one who always looked too skinny to be on steroids. I’m looking at you, Miguel Tejada.
Elsewhere around the bigs, the Mets showed the Nationals who’s boss. And actually, it was the Nationals, by an identical 6-4 count. The Yankees have the best record in the AL, and the Nats are tops in the Senior Circuit. Could this be where the Fall Classic is headed in 2012? If so, will be be able to call it the 9-11 Series?
Too soon? I’ll check with Gilbert Gottfried.
It’s never to soon for Cheesy Bruin, who’s tops tomorrow.
