AUGUSTA, GA – With pros swinging wood and iron, vying for The Masters crown at famed Augusta, my mind wandered to storied golf outings with good buddies. Playing the area courses, we managed to piss off many… simply put we were Masters of Mayhem when it came to lawn pool. A list of infractions not limited to the following reads as such:
–Figure-Eighting golf carts over a rain-soaked course.
–Returning carts with no gas in the tank
–Carling’s Black Label “empties” dotting the course like Vegas hotels on a Map Quest search.
-Coming dangerously close to hitting a player ahead of us (FORE!), prompting the term “hooligans” shouted our way from an aging all-lady foursome that would have given Grounds-keeper Carl a boner
–Angry Ward stopping a golf cart with his shin
–Swiping a sandwich at the snack stand (I got busted)
Taking the above [after eating hallucinogenic plants], here are some more Sports Masters – presented in an Alex Trebek/Jeopardy kind of way. The category? Sports-related Master:
-Bedroom: A nickname for the guy spawning the globe with twelve children, eight Mommies, living in six states isn’t a grade-school fractions question but if it was the common denominator would be Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie.
–Card: Not a plastic charge card but the $2.8 million Honus Wagner tobacco baseball card.
–Mass Debaters (say it quickly): Mike Francesa and other all-knowing radio blowhards who berate callers of opposing viewpoints.
–Ink: I’ve seen few scenes of this television show but way more of QB Colin Kaepernik and his tattoos during the football season.
–Johnnie LeMaster: The former light hitting SF Giants shortstop who holds the distinction of hitting an inside-the-park-homer in his first MLB at-bat. No master to the home run, as he only hit 20 more dingers over a career but Johnnie played for three last-place teams in 1985.
–Key: Former pitcher of two World Series-clinching victories, Jimmy is now a top amateur golfer living in Florida.
–Lock: The nickname of the MTM Sunday NFL prognosticator (oh, that’s me) who was 67% on the money this past fall.
–Minds: Is there a better run organization than the Pittsburgh Steelers? Only three Head Coaches over the past 45 years (Chuck Noll, Bill Cowher, and Mike Tomlin), solid drafting, and money wise dealing with free agents.
–Of his domain: In 1948 Eddie Shore once sent Charlestown Chiefs GM Joe McGrath a terrible master-baitor, who would deliberately get sent to the penalty box and “hmm, hmmm, hmmm…”
–Pee: Is there any other athlete who failed more urinalyses then former MLB reliever Steve Howe?
-Swede: The lovely Annika Sorenstam tore up the Ladies tour with her dominance in the 1990’s and was easy on the eyes while doing so.
–Tonic: Finally, a John Daly reference in a golf piece. This golf Legend of Drunken Master peed on Pebble Beach, puttered with porn stars, and has a drink named after him; The John Daly is a spiked (vodka) Arnold Palmer (iced tea and lemonade).
–Master-y: The greatest of relief pitchers hit the wall at some point but Sandman is the same guy now as he was twenty years ago.
DJ Eberle, tomorrow.
