Saturday Roundup

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Worst. Logo. Ever.

Here There and Everywhere- Let’s take a tour of the sporting world, shall we?

The Summer Olympics are nearly upon us, but I haven’t paid attention in many a quadrennial. Most of it bores me to tears. I really don’t care which wealthy nation wins the most gold medals or who who can throw a discus the farthest. But the basketball competition is worthy of discussion.

First, the rise of real international competition makes the event almost worth watching. Long gone are the days when Americans absolutely dominated the sport they invented by sending over an assortment of college kids. Everyone sends their pros now, and some of the European and South American teams are a force to be reckoned with.

Out with strained dred

The good ole US of A still has the best players on the whole, but it’s never much of a team. Rather, it’s typically a dysfunctional collection of egomaniacs who haven’t practiced much together, unlike other international teams that take it more seriously. Plus, some of the international rules, such as the trapezoidal key and zone defenses, are an obstacle to the NBA’s style of play, which emphasizes individual athleticism over archaic tactics like “passing.” As a result, the tournament is almost a level playing field.  Almost.

But whether or not I can actually bring myself to root for the U.S. Hoopsters depends on the roster’s makeup. And it’s looking better all the time. Why? Because the Miami heat are dropping like flies. First Dwayne Wade begged off with an injury, and now Chris Bosch is doing the same.  The less I have to see of Dade County Mafia, the better.

Okay, so I’m a little bitter. Deal with it!

In otherB-Ball news, the New Orleans Hornets surprised no one by grabbing Anthony “UniBrow” Davis with the top pick in the NBA draft. I would root for this team in a heartbeat if they could just get the Jazz name back from Utah. Or something New Orleans.  How about the Beignets? Or maybe the Hurricanes?

Oh, come on! I’m talking about the drink they serve down there, not Katrina! Benefit of the doubt would be nice once in a while.  Sheesh.

Anthony Davis

Elsewhere, the Pittsburgh Penguins signed Sindey Crosby to a massive, long term contract extension.  A dozen years at $104 million. The NHL’s salary cap just went up to, so it’s actually a pretty square deal, with one major cavaeat (and yes, that’s your SAT word for the day): Can “The Kid” keep his cranial sponge from getting scrambled like a three egg omelet at a Greek Diner in Queens?

Each year seems a 50-50 proposition at best. It’s a shame because he’s great for hockey, but I’ll be surprised if he plays through half of his new signage.

Speaking of degraded athletes, Venus Williams has something called Sjorgen’s Syndrome, which makes her tired all the time. I’m just gonna call it Venus Williams Disease. I’m also gonna claim to have it.

I have Venus Williams Disease. There, it’s official.

One of the symptoms is vaginal dryness. For real.

I have nothing to add to that.

Come back tomorrow for the dry wit of Cheesy Bruin.

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Mattville's George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn't have a cell phone or cable, he's crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist's by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: ThePublicProfessor.com (http://www.thepublicprofessor.com/).

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